If you’re going through a dark night of the soul, you might as well pass the time in a beautiful place.

That’s what I was thinking as my hour-long Qantas flight from Melbourne began its descent to Sydney. Australia has long been a place of joy and peace for me, and Sydney in particular. Ever since I first stumbled into town five years ago, when I was denied boarding on a flight from Brisbane to Nauru (long story), I’ve been coming back every chance I get.

This time felt different because, well, I’m different. I’ve been judging the days on a one-10 scale, and I get excited—at least moderately so—when I feel higher than a three.

And so as the flight lands in Sydney and I take the airport train to the city, bracing myself against an onset of anxiety, I begin my self-talk.

First, a disclaimer: you can’t motivate your way out of sadness. It’s not a matter of saying “Self, cheer up!”

If you know someone who struggles with depression or anxiety, remember this. When people are persistently sad, some aspects of their experience are outside their control. They aren’t always able to access parts of themselves that give them a baseline and protect them from harm.

Still, a little perspective helps, I remember as I hop off the train onto Circular Quay. It’s Australia! If you can ever be cheered up by virtue of mere geographic placement, being randomly dropped somewhere on the planet, this is the spot to hope for.

It’s good to celebrate small victories. I usually think of this in terms of starting entrepreneurial projects, but perhaps it matters even more in a season of sadness. Chances are, no matter how sad you feel, there will be moments where you recognize the joy and liveliness you once knew. When these moments show up, be sure to appreciate them.

So I don’t tell myself to suck it up, or that I should just “decide” to be happy. But I do tell myself: Self, try to take joy in all circumstances. Lift your head up. You’re in Sydney, Australia—is there any better place?

The good memories I have here are numerous. I remember arriving for the first time on that unscheduled visit and finding one of the most remarkable places I’d ever known. I had purposely saved Australia for the last part of my quest to go everywhere, but I didn’t expect to love it as much as I did.

I remember walking in King’s Cross, pondering snippets of conversation from long ago. The Gin Garden on George Street. The hidden speakeasy. That week when I rode a different ferry every day in hopes of seeing each stop in the area. The Bondi beach walk. Dinner in Darlinghurst.

And as always, running over the Harbour Bridge, listening to the same songs on repeat. You Get What You Give by the New Radicals, for example.

This time I added Shadow Days by John Mayer:

“Hard times help me see
I’m a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go.”

It’s aspirational, of course. But that’s okay. If you repeat something over and over, sometimes you end up believing it.

“And I’m right here and it’s right now
And I’m open, knowing somehow
My shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now.”

As I said—name it, claim it. It doesn’t have to be an accurate reflection of the circumstances, but all things considered, it’s better than Everybody Hurts or Hallelujah. (Side note: If she didn’t really care for music, why did he write her a song?)

And so I return to my favorite place at an odd time of my life. Less than three months before 40. The year of “change everything.” The post-year of “WTF, really?” The season of now or never. I’m a nine-ender, a term I recently learned and identified with right away. (Short version: people make far more changes in the last year before they turn a new decade than in any other year. If you’re 29, 39, or 49—pay attention.)

I’d made a reservation at my favorite hotel in the world, which seven out of 10 times has rewarded me with a balcony view of the Opera House. Would I receive this auspicious benefit today? It’s good to manage your expectations, or so I hear. But my fingers are crossed nonetheless.

Here are some other things I tell myself:

• These days are full of opportunities for you, traveler. This is a place where you can come to rest. No wonder it’s so far away!
• Take heart, take courage. You’ve been through hard things before. You are adaptable. You are resilient.
• And lest you forget: what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger, but first it will really try to kill you.

I tell a friend that I’m nervous about coming here when I’m feeling so sad. This has always been a place of comfort, not stress, and I’m concerned about the nostalgia making me feel sadder. She says something wise: “Perhaps it’s important to return at this time.” And so it is, or so I decide it will be.

Known Truths

In times of trial, it’s helpful to consider what you know to be true. This list shouldn’t be comprised of anything less than “known truths.” There are plenty of things that might be true, could be true, or even that you’re pretty sure are true.

No, the list of known truths is much shorter. In your heart of hearts, what do you believe about a situation or circumstance? What do you believe about yourself?

As I consider the list of known truths for this season, this visit to paradise, I come up with a few things.

1. The blue sky is there even if the clouds are in the way (thanks, Headspace). I suppose in other situations this is called faith, the belief in the unseen.
2. We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we are always in control of our response. Sometimes it feels like we can control more than we really can, and sometimes we feel that we can’t control our response. But if we focus on what’s true, not just our preferred interpretation of events, chances are we’ll be better off.
3. Sometimes you’re just going to be sad, and that’s okay. There’s not always a solution, and some things can’t be fixed.
4. Choose love, sometimes even for yourself. Choose giving, and don’t forget to give to yourself.
5. When you encounter those moments of joy, hold on tight. Consider the moments a reprieve from your affliction. Give them prominent space in your operating system.
6. Remember that you’re not the only one struggling (as covered elsewhere). Maintain that perspective, too.

***

And so that’s what I do: I keep perspective, I do what I can, I accept sadness when it appears without trying to push it away. I run across the Harbour Bridge. I drink a flat white at breakfast. I eat dinner every day and sometimes even lunch.

I reflect on the talks I’ve been giving. Normally my mind races to the recollection of flubbed lines or unsatisfactory answers I give to questions. This time I realize that once in a while I can walk away feeling proud of both performance and impact. I’m doing something that matters! I hear it from other people every day but I don’t usually believe it myself.

I remind myself that it’s possible to appreciate the present moment without feeling anxious about the future.

I tell myself that uncertainty will produce strength; I just have to accept that I’m not in control of the timing.

I see glimpses of something positive emerging. I don’t want to jinx it or point to it too early, but the sensation is there underneath whatever else.

I have no onward ticket and I don’t care. I will stay or I will go. When I go I’ll fly east or west.

There are always options. There is always choice. There is always blue sky even when it’s nowhere to be seen. @chrisguillebeau (Click to Tweet!)

I got the balcony view at my favorite hotel.

Chris Guillebeau is the New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit, The $100 Startup, and other books. During a lifetime of self-employment, he visited every country in the world (193 in total) before his 35th birthday. Every summer in Portland, Oregon he hosts the World Domination Summit, a gathering of creative, remarkable people. His new book, Born for This, will help you find the work you were meant to do. Connect with Chris on Twitter, on his blog, or at your choice of worldwide airline lounge.

Image courtesy of Alex Wong.

The post Under the Unseen Blue Sky in Sydney, Australia appeared first on Positively Positive.

Staring at the words, turning emotions of each letter over the mental screen of your mind.

Here it is again. That mind-numbing question, “Why me?”

As you shut down your computer, a sigh escapes from your lips.

Tomorrow’s to do list is just as long as today’s. With no answer in sight.

It seems the more you get done, the more there is to do.

You’ve been working flat out for hours…and still no signs of a reward.

You can’t help but wonder…why am I still struggling? 

The road to success seems long and never-ending. Days on the calendar stare back, as past and present moments desert you.

Everyone else seems to be moving on in life. And still you remain. Unflinching, never changing.

‘Why me?’

I have been in countless situations like this. It’s easy to fall into this mental mindset whenever things don’t seem to be going the way you planned them. Your expectations can often set high demands that are simply too lofty and impossible to fulfill.

During my early life experiences, I questioned my self-worth every single day. People kept on judging my quiet or reserved nature…so in my mind, these attributes became negative qualities…parts of me to cut off. I needed to become the perfect fit. I only ended up hiding myself away even more.

Over the years, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I began to fear everyday tasks. People became a challenging concept to be around. My quiet nature felt like fuel for their own projections and insecurities.

This same fear and insecurity meant I was easy to mould to other people’s expectations. I hated feeling weak. My mind was always set to projecting away from my pain – into a utopian future that didn’t exist.

I did what other people told me to do. By abandoning my sense of self, in the hazy days that followed, even waking up became a challenge.

The emotions I was carrying with me were extra painful as I had no idea what to do with them. So they sat with me, dwelling in my mind like extra baggage. I was feeding my pain and yet, completely ignoring my own needs for happiness and security.

I had no energy left for my personal projects. Pages of stories were left abandoned in my search for fulfillment. As one emotion subsided, another would emerge and carry me along like a wave. Powered by my negative thoughts of low self-esteem, I left the idea of my own personal empowerment behind.

I had no idea that I was at the wheel. After 30 years of being a passenger, I finally chose to move myself into the driver’s seat.

Shifting Up A Gear

It was only when I took a look at the vehicle itself – by becoming an active observer, that I realised I was going nowhere. All of my creative power was being drained because I was no longer in control.

Resetting my mind was the only way. Once I had this realisation, the answer came to me. The wheels of mindfulness came into motion when I started reading a book called ‘A Bug Free Mind’ by Andy Shaw.

Devouring a chapter each day, I would read and apply the techniques until I emotionally and mentally felt a shift inside. If I couldn’t think or feel anything positive – then I simply chose to think of nothing at all. 

By observing, I regained my power. Each new read through of the book created an energy shift inside me…allowing my creative power to grow. I found emotional freedom from the chains that once bound me. Each day, my painful stories peeled away like layers of an onion.

Instead of clinging onto them, I simply let go. I began to realise that my stories were just experiences. By loosening their grip, I took back my creative freedom and regained my power. Previous stories that my subconscious had created therefore had no bearing on this moment. The only moment that mattered.

Life Through A Rear-View Mirror  

As a sensitive soul who writes for a living, letting go actually felt like self-destruction. I had mistakenly associated myself with the stories in my mind. Empowering each one with negative thoughts. All of which were rotting my self-esteem and self-worth.

No wonder I couldn’t create my dream life. The subconscious stories were so deeply rooted in my psyche that I was scared of what would happen should they be removed.

By focusing my mind each day towards staying present – not dwelling on negative thoughts or fantasies about the future…I released myself and came back into the moment.

It was simply a matter of observation. When your mind is clouded with negative thoughts, it becomes almost impossible to drive towards your destination. Only the clear minded can drive with confidence and certainty in the direction they are going…even when the road ahead may have many obstacles.

Your mindset works in the same way. Signs may emerge by the side of the road as a warning…and you may need to use them as intuitive guidance…but you should not let it overwhelm you. Do not let distractions overpower where you need to go.

Occasionally, I may take a look in the rear-view mirror at my memories…to see how far I have come. Yet, I do not allow the pain of the past to dictate my future.

By choosing this road, I have let go of fear, worry, anxiety and stress that come along with life’s many expectations.

Meeting Yourself At The Crossroads Of Consciousness

When you are conscious, you can not suffer. Or at the very least, you can choose to minimise any pain or suffering. It’s only in a state of unawareness, that you can become trapped in victim mode.

By sitting in the driver’s seat, you consciously choose to drive your life forward. And when you can choose again, you free yourself to focus on the good feelings.

There have been many trials and tribulations in my life that have tried to break me down – both mentally and emotionally. Yet, through simple observation – I can see that it was often my own expectations and judgments about those events and how they should unfold that attached unnecessary suffering to them.

Letting go of experiences and learning to go with the flow of life meant I could once again maintain myself and my personal power.

Staying lost in the future or locked in the past only keeps you trapped. The only way to free yourself is to live in the now. @spiritualb_mag (Click to Tweet!)

Rebooting Your Mindset

Rather than shutting yourself down, choose to open yourself up to life and the possibilities it may be wishing to show you.

You have the choice to restart your mindset every second of the day. To be ok with not being perfect. Acknowledging where you are and loving yourself anyway. All of this makes the road to self-acceptance seem shorter.

By staying open to the moment, you receive the greatest gift of all…the present.

In a world of constant distractions, life is speeding up for all of us. The question is, will you learn to enjoy the view?

 Anna Jones is a freelance writer, on a mission to inspire others about the life-transforming and healing benefits of meditation, mindfulness and spiritual practice. Download her free ebook,’22 Ways to Find Your True Calling & Uncover Your Inner Destiny’ to get in touch with your inner guidance. You can follow Anna on Facebook.

Image courtesy of averie woodard.

The post How I Let Go of My Painful Stories and Became Powerfully Present appeared first on Positively Positive.

I dropped out of college. I bought a car with the money instead.

Then I got terrified and jealous. I made a mistake.

I saw everyone walking around campus. Was I going to be a loser?

I returned the car, cancelled the check, and re-enrolled in college.

This is how much of a loser I am: the car dealer was angry and called. I hid under the table while my girlfriend at the time screamed at him. They never called again.

A day later, I met my first mentor.

My first mentor was a professor. His courses were useless. I never used them for anything.

And then I had to take remedial programming classes when I had a job to re-learn all the things I failed to learn in school.

But I learned from this professor things that were invaluable to later success: building businesses, helping others, writing books, giving talks, making an impact.

I followed his advice for the next three decades.

Or, at least – I tried to.

1) HE CHOSE HIMSELF

He got a PhD in theoretical physics. When he was working on his thesis, Stephen Hawking said to him: “If you solve this problem, it will change the game in physics.”

He solved the problem.

Then Stephen Hawking said: “Hmmm, I guess it wasn’t as important as I initially thought.”

Disappointed, he moved from Utah to New York and became obsessed with computer science.

He wanted to be a professor but the college said, “NO!”

So he did it anyway.

He simply found a classroom that was empty in the early evenings and he put up signs that said: “Lectures on Programming Languages.”

At first a few people would show up. Then more. Then more.

Finally, so many students were attending his lectures that the school had to make him a professor.

Later he got tenure. Then later he moved to a chaired professorship at another school where he still teaches.

He didn’t let the gatekeepers tell him “no” and he eventually worked his dream job.

Key Lesson: ASK FOR FORGIVENESS BUT NOT PERMISSION if your heart is in the right place.

2) HE JUDGED HIS SUCCESS BY THE SUCCESS OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM

He was not a well-known professor. He never published any world-shaking papers. But all of his students have gone on to be very successful professors.

He told me specifically: “My success will be if I have successful students.”

He always gave them full credit for everything and helped them in every aspect of their careers.

Key Lesson: SUCCESS IS MEASURED BY HOW MUCH YOU HELP OTHERS AND NO OTHER METRIC.

3) HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SPEAK

I was very shy. I couldn’t speak up. I was scared to give talks. I’m still scared to give talks. But…

One of the most worthless things I’ve ever done was write an academic research paper.

My professor and I were working on a project, wrote up the results, and it got accepted by the most prestigious conference in artificial intelligence in the world.

So we both flew out to Kaiserslautern, Germany and, true to form, he was going to let me do the presentation and take all the credit.

BUT….

He said, “Skip the conference dinner. It’s useless and you’ll meet nobody interesting.”

Instead, we went to the empty conference hall, where I was scared to death about the talk I would give there the next day.

SCARED TO DEATH.

He said, “Let me see your slides.”

I showed him and he said: “No. No. NO! No. No.” He crossed them all out, made changes, showed me why, showed me how to keep an audience engaged with slides.

Then he said, “OK, let me see you give the talk.”

He was the only person in an audience that could fit about 1,000 and for three hours he watched me give the same talk over and over.

Constantly stopping me, telling me how to move across the stage, where to put in jokes, how to keep the emotional temperature as high as possible on a talk about an incredibly boring topic.

During the presentation, I had people laughing. People even came up to me afterwards and said, “I never understood that topic before. Can you give the same talk at our university?”

Which is saying something when I tell you the topic of the talk and the paper, “Automatically proving the adjoint-functor theorem in category theory.” VERY USELESS!

Key Lesson: HOW YOU COMMUNICATE IS HOW PEOPLE REMEMBER YOU.

4) HE ALWAYS GAVE CREDIT TO EVERYONE ELSE

He never took credit. He gave credit to his students, his bosses, everyone else.

I learned to always give credit to people working for me, and even more importantly, to give credit to managers, shareholders, customers — whoever I could.

People remember when you give them credit. They don’t remember when you take credit and hoard it for yourself.

And guess what: other people see when you give credit. So it’s a double-win.

We walked through the streets of Kaiserslautern on our way to our respective hotels after he had me practice the talk.

Before we split off, he gave a final piece of advice: “Don’t go to any porn shops in Germany. They will rip you off.”

That’s the last I ever saw him. A year later, I was thrown out of graduate school.

But I remember the lessons and I’ve used them as an employee, an entrepreneur, an investor, and as someone who has repeatedly bounced back from the worst failures:

-Give credit
-Always improve your communication
-Ask for forgiveness, not permission
-When discouraged, the best way to advance is to help others
-I’ve had many mentors since then. Unfortunately none of them still speak to me.
-Life takes each individual on amazing journeys, and they only intersect for a short time.

Everyone in my life has become a mentor to me. Everyone — from my friends, to my kids, to my favorite authors, to my podcast guests, work colleagues, Jasmine Lobe, to all of the people who have both dragged me down and lifted me up.

I hope I listen enough. I hope I am learning from them. Always a student.

But I always remember walking through Germany at age 21, in a glow from my talk, the future rushing towards me, unstoppable.

Only much later I realized how many more painful lessons were waiting for me and the future came much faster than I wanted.

James Altucher is the author of the bestselling book Choose Yourself, editor at The Altucher Report and host of the popular podcast, The James Altucher Show, which takes you beyond business and entrepreneurship by exploring what it means to be human and achieve well-being in a world that is increasingly complicated. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Warren Wong.

The post The 4 Lessons I Learned from My Biggest Mentor appeared first on Positively Positive.

I’ve been waking up and thinking of the immigrant children separated from their parents. I’ve been spontaneously crying in my car and kitchen. I’ve been wishing I could talk to my therapist every d-mn day—she says we are all feeling it.

I had a call with my core team this week and even though we were present to the purpose of the meeting—to talk about developing our capacities—what none of us said was that we’d each had fall apart moments that week. Because… it feels like the world is falling apart. And we’re feeling desperate for the sweetness that summer brings. We need to swim and love and laugh so we can keep doing the work that must be done. We need some quiet land to catch our breath on, a night with fireflies to feel the softer possibilities. We need to affirm our belief in deep beauty.

I am acutely aware of the togetherness in my life right now. Who do I gather with? Who am I holding and being held by? Where is the shelter of shared values? Who’s with me in the longing and the resiliency? Who wants to get there together? (So many of us).

. . . . .

My impulse:

I want to press my forehead to your forehead and hold your face in my hands and say, “We have to stick together.” And I won’t let go of you until you say it right back to me. I want to go into every cafe and tower and do this with each stranger so we become knowing friends. Call me. We have to stick together.

I want to erect a red tent in my backyard where the Feminine Creatures can come to cry in-between the marches and our endlessly generous life-giving.

I want to write love letters to every Sensitive Soldier who is working to protect, provide, and prevail with all the things that are deeply good and right. Thank you.

I want to give my life to Life and get on with it… with the deep pleasures and the very accessible euphoria; with the agonizing things that need our Light to transform them. With the lake. And the love. And the demands. And the justice.

. . . . . .

I am examining where in my life I can be more impeccable in linking desire to deed. CARE-FULL. I am making space to breathe more deliberately. These times call for deep breathing so you can hitch your passion to mindful action. So breathe.

I am listening to my diamond wise friends. I am in a constant expression of gratitude for my safety and abundance. And I say this prayer: May all be so blessed. I am not giving a sh-t about anything other than intelligent love. I resolve to be the change—with my voice, my touch, my resources.

It’s late in the cosmic day. Every choice we make is carving the future. We are the new makers, right on time.

Here’s what we can do:

Keeping making.
Crusade with Faith in your heart (Faith affects the outcome).
Find a lake, or invite a friend over.

And take the deep beauty you find and mix it with your pain and your morality, and head back out and keep making.

Together,

Danielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is author of White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path—from one seeker to another. The Fire Starter Sessions, and The Desire Map: A Guide To Creating Goals With Soul—the book that has been translated into 8 languages, evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top 10 iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries.

Named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs and what’s been called “the best place online for kickass spirituality.” A speaker, a poet, a painter, and a former business strategist and Washington-DC think tank exec, Entrepreneur Magazine calls Danielle, “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.” Her charities of choice are Eve Ensler’s VDay: a global movement to end violence against women and girls, and charity: water, setting out to bring safe drinking water to everyone in the world. She lives in Vancouver, BC with her favourite philosopher, her son. You can find her @daniellelaporte and just about everywhere on social media.

The post Morality, Deep Beauty and Faith: How You Coping These Days? appeared first on Positively Positive.

Running a business with events, speaking engagements, and meetings one right after the other on top of working with my team, I know first-hand how stressful and exhausting having a busy lifestyle can be. But I also know first-hand how to make sure you don’t burn out or find yourself helpless, irritable, and unhappy.

Here are nine of the best stress relief tips for when you find yourself extra busy.

1. Eat Healthy and Exercise

It’s easy to want to jump out of bed and get right to work, skipping meals, grabbing fast food, and neglecting exercise when you live a busy lifestyle. But starting every day off right with healthy food, water and exercise is essential to success.

If you were going on a long trip in your high-performance car, would you fill it with the wrong kind of gas?

Of course not, it would be hard on the engine – remember your body is your engine, and it must come first.

Consider this…

Notice the times when you feel stressed or depressed, Were you binging on unhealthy, processed foods, eating too much sugar, drinking too much alcohol, not drinking enough water, and avoiding daily exercise?

Pay attention to your body, and avoid rewarding yourself for working hard by eating badly.

I understand the temptation, but it is important not to give into it. You’ll experience the feelings of joy and pleasure, not to mention greater mental clarity much more often when you abide by this #1 rule.

2. Meditation

Meditation and mindfulness is something I have practiced my entire adult life and is a key factor to keeping my stress levels down and my mind clear.

Ideally, 30 minutes to one hour of meditation a day would have a major impact in all areas of your life, but most of us don’t have that much time.

So start by just taking a few minutes a couple times a day to pay attention to your breathing – taking deep breaths breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth, letting go of any negative thoughts or feelings – just noticing them and letting them go.

By just this simple act you will notice your body destressing in the moment.

You can also take a mindful walk outside and breathe in your surroundings, listen to soothing music or a guided visualization. It is these little things, that create a huge difference in enjoying your success.

3. Practice Self-Care 

This is another thing the busy person tends to neglect – making time for yourself and getting the sleep you need to keep your body and mind at it’s best.

You work hard. Remember to reward yourself every now and then and celebrate how far you’ve come.

Take a mental health day, go on a weekend trip, catch a show, take a spa day, whatever you need to do to indulge in alone time often, do it.

Making this change in your routine will do wonders to your well-being, but it needs to be scheduled just like you would schedule a meeting or a business trip.

4. Clean Up Your Messes and Incompletes

Take time to make a list of all the things that are undone in your life. The things that wake you up at night or you catch yourself thinking about in the middle of the day, distracting you.

Maybe it’s a conversation you need to have, an important to do that is hanging over your head, your office door that is squeaky, the lighting in your office that needs replacing, a report you promised to send, whatever it is – write it down.

I literally go through my entire house and office quarterly and make a list room by room of undone stuff – I like to say these are the invisible monkeys on our backs, that over time create a level of stress that we unconsciously start to tolerate.

Then I make that same list with the people and relationships that are incomplete or need attention in my life.

Once I have everything down on paper and out of my head, I can prioritize my list and in what order I am going to handle these stressors.

The goal is to have an environment both mentally and physically that is clean, calm, and has space to support you. This is something that is easy to put off but so important to handle, you’ll feel the benefits of it immediately, I promise.

5. Be Grateful

Look for the good in every situation, even those you would normally view as negative.

It’s easy to be disappointed and get upset at others when things don’t go our way. But by being mindful that we’re all on this journey together and that none of us are perfect, allows us to appreciate our differences.

Accept things for what they are and being grateful for every piece of feedback, every amount of effort put in, every opportunity given, and even every opportunity missed.

Having a more positive outlook on life’s big and small events will tremendously reduce your stress.

Here’s a quick video on showing daily gratitude and making gratitude a habit.

6. Have Clearly Defined Goals

When you have clear goals, you have a clear direction on where you’re heading in life. And for the busy professional, having clear life goals means being productive with your precious time.

One of the best methods of goal-setting is setting SMART goals.

Ensure that your goals are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bounded.

The more specific, the more likely you are to achieve them, and the easier it is to chunk them down.

With that level of clarity, it is easy to break down goals and ask, “What would actually be required for me to achieve this goal? How many hours would it take?”

Once you’ve identified the things that are most important to accomplish first, schedule those activities, and set aside the rest for later.

Clear Goals Make it Easy to Say No

When you’re ambitious, it’s hard to say no to opportunities, but in order to keep from feeling overwhelmed and to be successful in achieving your goals, you will have to get good at saying no to those activities, requests, and other time-stealers that don’t have a high payoff, remember the 80/20 rule.

It says that 80% of our productivity comes from 20% of our efforts. The key to being more efficient is to focus on the 20% that gets us closer to our goals.

Again, clear goals make saying no less stressful. One response that I have found helpful in saying no to people is, “It’s not against you; it’s for me.” Say no to the good so that you can say yes to the great.

7. Use Affirmations

Affirmations are simple, positive statements describing specific goals in their completed states.

An example would be:

“I am so happy and grateful that I am now completing a successful training event.”

Although they sound rather basic, these empowering mantras have profound effects on the conscious and unconscious mind.

Some of your stress may come from limiting beliefs. Positive affirmations will help replace your, “I cant’s” with “I cans”, and your fears and doubts with confidence and certainty. When there’s nothing in your mind to stop you, there’s nothing to stress about.

8. Focus on the Positive in Every Situation

This isn’t easy at first but it can become so over time. Learning to look at your “losses or what I like to refer to as lessons” as opportunities for growth allows you to keep your vibration high.

When you have a growth and learning mindset, you’re less stressed, which allows for more energy to focus on what you learned and what you can do with this new information, leading to more opportunities.

9. Remember to Delegate

Always remember you’re not in this alone.

I would not be able to accomplish as much as I do without my team.

Every high achiever has a powerful team of key staff members, consultants, vendors, and helpers who help manage projects and handle everyday tasks.

There’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help or letting someone else who is an expert at something take care of the work.

It’ll be the best use of your time and it will enable you to do more of the work you enjoy. And it’s not only relieving to have tasks taken from you, it’s also rewarding to see a team care about you and your goals.

Pick three stress relief tips to start doing today. Then notice how you felt after doing them. Tell me what you plan to do and share your experience in the comments.

As the beloved originator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul^® series, Jack Canfield fostered the emergence of inspirational anthologies as a genre—and watched it grow to a billion dollar market. As the driving force behind the development and delivery of over 100 million books sold through the Chicken Soup for the Soul^® franchise, Jack Canfield is uniquely qualified to talk about success. Jack is America’s #1 Success Coach and wrote the life-changing book The Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be and Jack speaks around the world on this subject. Check out his newest book The 30-Day Sobriety Solution: How to Cut Back or Quit Drinking in the Privacy of Your Own Home. Follow Jack at www.jackcanfield.com and sign up for his free resources today!

Image courtesy of rawpixel.

The post 9 Stress Relief Tips for Busy Lifestyles appeared first on Positively Positive.

If you want to make the Olympic soccer team, join a symphony orchestra or get into medical school, the path is well lit. It’s not easy, but the goals are clear and the boundaries are obvious.

Day by day, achievement by achievement, it’s a linear race. You know the rules, you can see the competitive landscape and you can train. It’s rare that the rules change along the way.

This is irresistible for some people, and if it ends, or they don’t make it, they’re often lost in the wilderness.

That’s because real life doesn’t have clear goals and obvious boundaries.

Real life is not organized around an 800 on the SATs, or a FGA average that’s the highest in the league.

Instead, real life has changing rules, hidden rules, rules that aren’t fair. Real life often doesn’t reveal itself to us all at once, the way the rules of baseball are clearly written down.

And so, the first challenge of real life is: find some goals. And the second: figure out some boundaries.

It doesn’t pay to get stressed out that these goals and these boundaries aren’t the same as everyone else’s. It doesn’t pay to mourn the loss of the rigid structures that worked in the world you used to be in.

You’re in real life now.

So, find some goals and find some boundaries.

Then you can get back to work.

*Originally published on sethgodin.typepad.com.

Seth Godin has written eighteen books that have been translated into more than thirty languages. Every one has been a bestseller. He writes about the post-industrial revolution, the way ideas spread, marketing, quitting, leadership, and, most of all, changing everything.

Image courtesy of David Werbrouck.

The post Evanescent Boundaries appeared first on Positively Positive.

These 10 tools below are ways of living that I value, that I have lived and have taught for the last 15 years.

You can apply these ways of living to your life starting NOW.

You are capable of having a life YOU LOVE.

Your 10 new tools:

1. Accept What Is.
You cannot undo what’s already been done so while you obsess about what could or should have happened you deny what did *and you also fail at living in the moment*. Trying desperately to change what’s already been done is impossible. You CAN lovingly (as if you were talking to an infant) remind yourself to accept what happened. You cannot change the circumstances, however, you can change your mind by accepting it.

2. Have Patience.
In this very entitled culture of ours we want what we want, and we want it now. You want the perfect body and you want the money and the relationship all – in an instant. What if you began to live your life doing what you need to do rather than doing what you want to do? In order to get what you want, please take note that life is a process. Instant results are based on a lie.

3. Less Food/ More Self Love.
Food will never give you LOVE no matter how much you believe it will. No matter how much you enjoy the comfort of it. It will never speak back to you…you can provide all that love for yourself through enjoying your own company, doing activities and having adventures (yes even if you work full time) that soothe your soul.

4. Complaining is not your natural state.
I know that it is easier to fit into the universal complaining conversation… Going around complaining every day is a waste of time, and it drains your energy…

5. Live everyday as if it was your last and while you are at it, live each day as if you were going to live forever.
No matter what you may want to change…can you find gratitude in one area of your life every day and can you find one thing to laugh about every day.

6. You are responsible for your life.
You have a choice about how you live your life, where you work, who you are in relationships with, where you live, who you love or hate, yourself included. Choose differently and develop a plan with a coach (like myself, email me and say I NEED HELP in the subject line) to let go of situations and people and places that are not healthy for you.

7. Stop comparing and competing.
You were not put on this earth to be like anyone else. This incarnation is about living into your purpose. It is NOT about your trying to be someone else. Stop trying to keep up with others income, body weight, looks…and remember you are unique so just be your authentic self!

8. Get Enough Sleep.
You want to keep weight off? Sleep and I mean SLEEP seven-eight hours every night. Your body and your organs need sleep for restoration and healing every day.

9. Pray or Meditate Daily even if for one minute. DO IT.

I believe in every cell of my body that Prayer and meditation improve people’s health. Both practices are known to:

• Lower blood pressure
• Support Inner Peace
• Increase longevity
• Reduce symptoms of depression
• Alleviate anxiety, stress, and pain

10. Surrender and Let Go.
It is time to try and control your life. You can be organized and have order and discipline, but that does not mean you have to control everything. In fact, control is a set up for failure while surrender is a recipe for acceptance…See how this leads us right back to your first tool? This is your Circle of Life.

Control is a set up for failure while surrender is a recipe for acceptance.  @laurafenamore (Click to Tweet!)

Our minds are masterful at spinning in circles.

Often, we are focused on fixing a problem and going over it again and again and YET it never really gets resolved.

Quite the contrary…your spinning mind just creates more emotional, mental, and psychological pain.

If you want to start living a peaceful, happy life I suggest that you start practicing these 10 tools every day and then witness how your life and body take on a whole new form! And YES these tools apply to those of you who cannot find their way off the couch, those of you who feel depressed and unhappy.

Please comment below and let me know how willing you are to apply these tools starting today.

I’d love to hear from you!

Laura Fenamore, Body Image Expert, Coach and acclaimed Author is on a mission to help women around the world end the constant battle with their bodies and start adoring who they see in the mirror. Her approach walks students and readers through the heartfelt journey to self-love at any size or age by unlocking the secrets to a lifetime of emotional, physical and spiritual health. After overcoming a lifelong battle with addiction, obesity, and eating disorders, Laura released 100 pounds – keeping it off for more than 28 years. She chronicles this journey to self-love and health in her widely acclaimed book, Skinny, Fat, Perfect: Love Who You See in the Mirror. Learn more about Laura’s programs, or invite her to speak by visiting SkinnyFatPertect.com.

Image courtesy of Frida Aguilar Estrada.

The post 10 TOOLS OF WISDOM for Your Mind, Heart and Spirit appeared first on Positively Positive.

It is true that narcissists and codependents can find themselves irresistibly attracted to each other with dysfunctionally disastrous results. This specific combination can create a toxic cycle of behavior and psychological abuse that can go on for a lifetime unless there is some kind of shift in awareness or a pattern interrupt.

In today’s episode, I am proposing that solid boundaries can end the cycle of stress, pain, and anxiety that goes hand in hand with a narc/codependent union.

So let’s start with why this particular attraction is so compelling and seductive. It is a seemingly perfect fit because narcissists and codependents comprise two halves of a perfectly dysfunctional whole. You have the narcissist who’s the self-focused taker and controller, and the codependent who’s the other-focused giver and fixer. The narc wants it to be ALL about getting their needs wants and desires met and the codependent is on board for that as well.

Keep in mind, narcissists can be incredibly charming. They can swoop into your life and sweep you off your feet. You can feel a connection that you’ve never felt before, as if someone finally gets and see you. They may make grand romantic gestures and make you feel incredibly special with flattery and promises of future adventures. This behavior is sometimes referred to as “love bombing.” Once the narcissist knows they have you hooked, the adoring behavior slowly but surely starts to be replaced with disdain and criticism.

Now the toxic cycle is starting to come into view. The question is how can boundaries help?

For clarity, the cycle for the codependent goes from being in favor to being out of favor to working to get back in favor. It’s as if the codependent is in a perpetual state of “chasing the high” of the beginning of the relationship, which of course is never coming back and wasn’t completely real to begin with due to the narc’s ulterior motives. A narcissist needs what is referred to as their narcissistic supply which comes from the codependent (and others). This is a constant source of admiration, attention, approval, and adoration and it is vital for the narcissist to survive, as they use it to regulate their unstable self-worth, self-esteem and sense of self.

This toxic cycle of approval and rejection doesn’t leave room for effective problem-solving. There is a silent agreement to act out the unresolved childhood wounds instead of actually working to resolve them. Both parties are trying to protect themselves emotionally. The narcissist is trying to uphold their false self and needs a constant supply to do so. And they’re not just doing this for the outside world optics. This is a desperate attempt to avoid the self-loathing and the deep insecurity that most narcissists feel at their core. The codependent is trying to avoid disapproval and conflict. But the problem is that no matter how much you acquiesce to a narcissist’s wants and desires, the cycle will inevitably continue and avoiding the wrath of the narcissist becomes impossible.

Without therapeutic intervention or behavioral dynamic changes, the cycle healing on its own is highly unlikely. If the cycle ends, it is usually because the narcissist moves onto new more enticing supply, abruptly ending the relationship.

So how do we bring boundaries into this mix?

Awareness, as always, is step one. You must ask yourself, how happy or unhappy are you in this relationship? How satisfied are you in this relationship? Do you feel good? Do you feel terrible? You have to focus on your own needs even if it is a foreign concept to you.

The second step is going to be you observing yourself without judgment. Look at the way that you deal with the people in your life, even your friends. When they ask you where you want to go for dinner, do you say, “I don’t care. Whatever you want is good”? I want you to start dialing into observing the way that you’re behaving not just in your romantic relationship but with everyone because if you’re extremely codependent in a relationship with a narcissist, I imagine that you have these codependent behaviors in your other relationships as well. Never asserting your preferences or desires, serves to block you being authentically known. It caps the level of intimacy that you can achieve in your relationships. Also, not prioritizing your preferences, your pleasure, your desires can thwart efforts for a more balanced relationship because you can’t draw boundaries until you know what you want.

The third step is to start small (and safe). Start asserting yourself in safe friendships. The next time your friend asks what you want to eat for dinner, tell them instead of saying it doesn’t matter. If your order at a restaurant comes out wrong, nicely send it back instead of just eating it. These small steps will build your confidence to start drawing boundaries in your relationship.

The fourth step is to speak up. Decide where you are going to start to assert yourself using very simple, nonviolent communication type language. This is usually difficult for anyone that suffers from codependency so starting the boundary request with a positive can make it easier to do. You can say, “I love that you are always thinking about fun things we can do together and I would like to go to the beach instead of the lake this time.”

I’m including a cheat sheet for you with my weekly video where I talk more about this; you can watch the video and download the sheet HERE. It includes these four steps to make it easy for you to draw boundaries to stop any unhealthy relationship patterns in your life. Understand that when you draw boundaries, you will feel anxious but it will be short lived and the relief and benefits of doing it can be lasting. You don’t have to do it perfectly and you won’t, but you do have to start somewhere if you’re really committed to the cycle ending.

Please note: Diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a pervasive and enduring pattern of self-aggrandizing behavior and attitude. According to the National Institute of Health (NIH) approximately 6.2 % of the U.S. population are afflicted. People who exhibit narcissistic tendencies as opposed to the disorder are more likely to possess the ability to change dysfunctional behavioral patterns.

Also, please join me for my Wednesday Wisdom livestream this week, where I am breaking down all things boundaries. You can join me on my Facebook business page, which is Terri Cole, LCSW (all are welcome) or my all gals only Facebook group, which is called the Real Love Revolution. I would love to see all of you on the next livestream this Wednesday @ 3PM EDT. The Wednesday Wisdom livestream series will go until September 5th. So you don’t want to miss it. We also have our Big Beautiful Boundary Challenge coming up in September so stay tuned for all the details. I hope you have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Newsletter, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter.

The post Codependents + Narcissists – 4 Steps to Heal the Toxic Cycle with Boundaries appeared first on Positively Positive.

Feeling weighed down by anything is uncomfortable. If you are burdened by an expectation hangover, a problem you cannot seem to solve, an emotion you got to the other side of, or actual physical weight, I want you to know you can feel lighter.

We have all had times in our life when we felt like the weight of the world was on our shoulders. And during these times when we really need even more self-compassion, we end up being even more self critical.

We think we should be farther along. We think we should be able to get out of a funk. We think we should be able to lose the weight. 

If you are wondering why is it so hard to implement personal growth efforts, it’s because neural pathways are created over time, especially when you have been doing things the same way for years.

Simply being aware of something doesn’t create change. Growth is a process, not an event. @ChristinHassler (Click to Tweet!)

And growth is part of being human. There is always more growing to do and with the right tools the easier it becomes.

We have to stop approaching growth as a fix-it, self-improvement, ‘something is wrong with me’ project. It’s important to celebrate how much growth you have experienced and how far you’ve come towards personal mastery.

Most of what is weighing you down is your own self-judgment. If you want to feel lighter, then it’s time to lighten up!! You are human. You are not God so you do not need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

What is weighing you down? Please share with me so I can support you in lightening up.

Love,

Christine

P.S. I have a new podcast where I coach people LIVE on the air. Head over to Over it and On With It and listen in for inspiration and action steps.

Christine Hassler has broken down the complex and overwhelming experience of recovering from disappointment into a step-by-step treatment plan in her new book Expectation Hangover. This book reveals the formula for how to process disappointment on the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual levels to immediately ease suffering. Instead of wallowing in regret, self-recrimination, or anger, we can see these experiences as catalysts for profound transformation and doorways that open to possibility. You can find more info on her website, and follow her on Twitter and FB.

Image courtesy of: Jill111.

The post Would You like to Feel Lighter? (Both Physically and Emotionally) appeared first on Positively Positive.

If you listen to the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, you’ve heard me mention the idea of “Happier Labor Day.”

In the United States, Labor Day falls on September 3 this year.

Labor Day celebrates the contributions and achievements of workers to the strength and prosperity of the country. It also unofficially marks the end of summer and the beginning of a new year (as I write about in Happier at Home, September is the other January).

This year, just as Valentine’s Day is a day to think about your romantic relationship, and New Year’s Day is a day to think about what you want to achieve in the upcoming year, try using Labor Day as a day to think about your own labor – your own work life.

How could you be happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative in your work life?

What do you want to accomplish in your upcoming year of work?

We can think about this issue at any time during the year of course – yes, Questioners, this is arbitrary – but I’ve found that something that can be done at any time is often done at no time.

We can think about what we could do better, what we might want to change, how we could grow, whether that’s to do a side hustle, write a spec script, go to a networking event, avoid the vending machines, update a resume and start looking for a new job.

It could be something as big as switching careers or something as mundane as cleaning out your desk.

For example, do you want to choose a one-word theme for your work aims? Last year, my theme was “Re-Purpose.”

If you could magically achieve one aim in your work life over the next year, what would it be? Would you magically learn a new software program, get a new boss, or switch careers?

In your work life, do you use a piece of technology or equipment that’s obsolete, but you haven’t pushed yourself to deal with the hassle of replacement? Want to check it off the list? Excellent tools make work so much easier and more pleasant.

Post your ideas, questions, reflections about using “Labor Day” as a catalyst here in the comments, or post to #HappierLaborDay, or leave a message at (774)277-9336 (77 HAPPY 336), or send an email or voice memo to podcast@gretchenrubin.

We’re doing this across the Onward Project podcasts. Side Hustle School is going to talk about this issue, and so is Happier in Hollywood. We all come to it from a different perspective.

In the tumult of everyday life, it can be hard to find an occasion to step back and ask ourselves the big questions. Labor Day can be an opportunity to reflect.

Gretchen Rubin is the author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller The Happiness Project—an account of the year she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier—and the recently released Happier at Home and Better Than Before. On her popular blog, The Happiness Project, she reports on her daily adventures in the pursuit of happiness. For more doses of happiness and other happenings, follow Gretchen on Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Thought Catalog.

The post Try Using Labor Day as a Catalyst to Think About Your Work Life. #HappierLaborDay appeared first on Positively Positive.

It’s easy to get caught up.

Your best friend is stressed out at her job and NEEDS to fill you in on the incessant water cooler drama on the daily.

Your coworker never stops bothering you for advice about his failing love life.

Your cousin calls you every other day to hang but you know if you do, you’ll be exhausted within five seconds because you’ll definitely be playing the role of therapist, shoulder to cry on, court jester, dog sitter, house cleaner…heck…you’ll probably end up doing her taxes.

Boundaries are as important as the walls of your home.

You don’t let everyone you meet come into your bedroom and start eating tortilla chips in your bed.

I don’t have to tell you this, because you already know how creating boundaries can massively shift your life from chaos to calm, right?

You already know that boundaries are what allows us to have joy and peace of mind in our lives, right?

Well, just in case you are one of the many people who are still going to sleep with their phone next to the bed or say yes to anything and everything because you are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or you believe you will be a bad person, I’m about to give you permission to let it go. 

I promise, you won’t feel a thing, and sometimes, that’s exactly what you want.

A lot of us lack healthy boundaries in work, love and especially in our family. We let people come so close, we can smell their breath… instead of keeping them at a safe distance.

Let’s take charge! Dum da da daaaa!!

Guess what?! We are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

We DO NOT need to respond to every Facebook message. We DO NOT need to check our phone every time we hear the ding.

It took me a trip to Australia to figure this out.

Waking up eight hours (and a day before) the rest of “my” world was waking up … well it was impossible to respond on demand.

And guess, what? “My” world got on fine without me.

We absolutely do not need to let these things drain us ‘til we’re running on empty.

So I decided I didn’t need to be addicted to my phone anymore. Prior to my trip across the entire world, I believed that if I didn’t respond to a message from someone right away, I wasn’t doing my J.O.B of being a good friend, colleague, whatever. This thought would cause me serious anxiety.

So I created clear boundaries. I took charge. I made new rules for myself…like only checking messages at specific times throughout the day. And not responding if I didn’t feel like it!

My choices, my boundaries…helped me take back control.

Guess what? I didn’t even have to share my “boundaries” with anyone. Just creating them made me feel better.

We love our family and friends. We love to help others. We love to give.

But let’s give to ourselves first, hey?

The only way we’re going to truly help our crazy drama queen cousin is…not by doing her taxes…it’s by taking care of ourselves first so we have the energy to help her see the light.

Decide to let go. You’re not responsible for other people’s feels.

Decide to love yourself.

And don’t tell me you don’t love anything. You do. Even if its the new cream blusher and highlighter you just treated yourself to that makes your cheekbones glow. Or those new yoga pants that make you feel amazing in your skin.

A lack of self-esteem can make for shaky boundaries. Think about what you want your boundaries to be. They’re your core values!

Then stand strong and clearly COMMUNICATE to someone if they’re crossing the line.

For example:

“If you are more than 15 minutes late, I will leave.”
“If you talk to me in that tone, I will walk away.”
“If you message me after 8pm I will most likely not respond.”

Stand up for what you want and need for a healthy life. Listen to your intuition.

Start paying attention to those close-talkers and take a step back.

Let’s feel the peace instead of the chaos.

Have you set some healthy boundaries in your life? Let me know in the comments below!

Hayley Hobson is an author, speaker, Kick-A$$ Business Guru, 7 Figure MOM-treprenuer. and passionate about empowering others to live the life of their dreams and is based in Boulder, CO. Hayley creates lifestyle transformations by coaching her clients to become the best WHOLE version of themselves possible. To learn more about her nutritional courses, events, and custom programs, visit hayleyhobson.com or follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

The post Setting Boundaries Like a Boss! appeared first on Positively Positive.

Raising independent young women in modern society is a mixed bag. You have the patriarchy, politics and body shaming on one hand and feminism, community and body positivity on the other, among other fun yin-yang considerations in a girl’s upbringing.

Girls should be nice but not too nice, and feisty but not too feisty. Being a girl means walking a tightrope of contradictions. How “modern” is modern society, anyway, with that kind of thinking? A girl needs to walk her own path, and that’s tough to do — even today. Here’s how to encourage independence in your daughters.

Own Your Impact

Mothers hold a powerful influence over their daughters. Many parents think that peer pressure most likely sways their children, but mothers are the most powerful role model of all according to researchers — a daughter’s excessive screen time is linked to her mother’s sedentary activities, and a more active mother tends to have a more active daughter. Grade school girls rely more on Mom as their safe haven.

How a mother acts around her daughter influences her behavior. Self-image develops from a young age, and overhearing your gossip affects how she judges herself. Don’t be a mean girl as an adult. How you treat others can predict how your daughter learns to treat and interact with others. Always speak with conviction, and teach your daughter not to lead with apologies.

That also comes to yourself. If you suck in your stomach, so will she. Dads should also pull daughters into doing the seemingly mundane and remind them that they are loved — Dad’s love is powerful, too.

Help Her Find Her Uniqueness

From grade to high school, girls’ self-esteem declines as they go through puberty, and by adulthood, men have higher self-esteem than women. As you grow older, your self-esteem grows too. In Western countries, the self-esteem gap is greater than in poorer countries.

Help her find her uniqueness, what makes her an individual. Growing a self takes time, but you can help your daughter lay the foundation — so the emotional challenges don’t harm her heart as deeply when she moves into puberty and beyond. Adolescence is a time when girls grow their identities separately from their parents, and when they already possess a firm sense of self, navigating the choppy waters of teen years feels less rough.

Let your daughter diversify her passions and keep what fits. Don’t go with what’s popular for the sake of doing it. Even if your family is more athletic, but she’s artistically-inclined from a young age, pursue that road with her.

The Playground Teaches Responsibility and Fun

In a world of concrete, adults lose their inner child to the nine-to-five grind. When you work too hard, that leads to burnout which increases the risk of death and chronic disease. Set a different example for your child, and cultivate a work-life balance that reflects the rules of the playground. Don’t lose the compassionate, open-minded and fair parts of yourself.

The playground teaches your daughter responsibility and how to have fun. She follows the posted rules and your rules as a parent playing safely on the playground with others, but she also creates her own rules and plays fairly. Free play expands the imagination and possibilities of each moment. When she encounters a bully or problem of how to go down the slide, she learns to resolve those for herself but knows she’s got you for back up. The playground offers free life lessons!

Praise the Imperfections

Kids mess up, but girls remain under pressure to be on their best behavior and conform to those norms as a “good little girl.” Messing up and taking risks lay the groundwork for confidence.

Let her mess up and do things on her own — praise the imperfections. Daughters face existential quandaries when told they can “do anything” and then get chastised for not conforming to good girl norms or making mistakes. Mess ups don’t mean you’re not good enough, and that’s an important lesson that daughters need to learn from an early age.

Don’t be afraid to speak up about your own minor mistakes with a positive attitude. Go through lists of small items of learning goals, and allow those little mistakes to happen without negative interference — which will also help develop her problem-solving skills.

Tough social situations develop at an early age, such as not getting invited to a peer’s birthday party, and that greatly affects a daughter’s self-esteem — especially when she’s trying her best to be polite and not “too sensitive.” She learns everything from you, Mom, and that weighs heavy on your shoulders and heart.

You’re her entire universe from birth, but that improves both your lives as you encourage her independence and individuality. That’s tough going even in modern society — she’ll face many challenges but emerge strong and confident when you know your impact and embrace it and her fully, imperfections and all.

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger at Mindfulness Mama. She enjoys yoga day, red wine, and drinking all of the tea she can find. Follow her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

Image courtesy of Caroline Hernandez.

The post How to Encourage Independence in Your Daughters appeared first on Positively Positive.

In the early 1990s one of the great medical research exercises of modern times took place. It became known as the Nun Study. Some 700 American nuns agreed to allow their records to be accessed by a research team investigating the process of aging and Alzheimer’s Disease. At the start of the study the participants were aged between 75 and 102.

What gave this study its unusual scope is that in 1930 the nuns, then in their twenties, had been asked by the Mother Superior to write a brief autobiographical account of their life and their reasons for entering the convent. These documents were now analyzed by the researchers using a specially devised coding system to register positive and negative emotions.

By annually assessing the nuns’ current state of health, the researchers were able to test whether their emotional state in 1930 had an effect on their health sixty years later. Because they had all lived a very similar lifestyle during these six decades, they formed an ideal group for testing hypotheses about the relationship between emotional attitudes and health.

The results were startling. The more positive emotions-contentment, gratitude, happiness, love and hope-the nuns expressed in their autobiographical notes, the more likely they were to be alive and well sixty years later. The difference was as much as seven years in life expectancy.

So remarkable was this finding that it has led, since then, to a new field of gratitude research, as well as a deepening understanding of the impact of emotions on physical health.

Since the publication of the Nun Study and the flurry of further research it inspired, we now know of the multiple effects of developing an attitude of gratitude. It improves physical health and immunity against disease. Grateful people are more likely to exercise regularly and go for regular medical check-ups. Thankfulness reduces toxic emotions such as resentment, frustration and regret and makes depression less likely.

Gratefulness helps people avoid over-reacting to negative experiences by seeking revenge. It even tends to help people sleep better. It enhances self-respect, making it less likely that you will envy others for their achievements or success. Grateful people tend to have better relationships. Saying “thank you” enhances friendships and elicits better performances from employees. It is also a major factor in strengthening resilience.

One study of Vietnam War Veterans found that those with higher levels of gratitude suffered lower levels of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Remembering the many things we have to be thankful for helps us survive painful experiences, from losing a job to bereavement.

A colleague has said that part of the essence of gratitude is that it recognizes that we are not the sole authors of what is good in our lives. The egoist, says Andre Comte-Spoonville, ” is ungrateful because he doesn’t like to ackknowledge his debt to others and gratitude is this acknowledgement.

“Thankfulness has an inner connection with humility. It recognizes that what we are and what we have is due to others, and above all to the divine within us. Those who are incapable of gratitude live in vain; they can never be satisfied, fulfilled or happy: they do not get ready to live.”

On October 3rd 1863, at the height of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln issued a Thanksgiving proclamation, thanking God that though this nation was at war with itself, there were still blessings for which both sides could express gratitude. Thanksgiving reminds us of how indebted we are to others and on a Spirit greater than ourselves.

As it is with individuals and nations giving thanks leads to health and happiness.

Rabbi Hirshel Jaffe, a cancer survivor, is a motivational/inspirational speaker on the theme NEVER GIVE UP! He authored “Why Me? Why Anyone?” which chronicles his rescue from leukemia and his spiritual triumph over despair. Known as “The Running Rabbi” for competing in the NY Marathon, he received the “Award of Courage” from President Ronald Reagan in a White House ceremony. Rabbi Jaffe was one of the clergy who visited the American hostages in Iran to offer them comfort and hope and was asked by the President to greet them at the White House upon their return. He received an honorary Doctorate from his seminary for “his work with the sick, and his noble influence upon all people. You can follow him on Facebook.

Image courtesy of Simon Maage.

The post A Key to Living Longer and Stronger – the Attitude of Gratitude appeared first on Positively Positive.

I watched in horror as the doctors and nurses gathered around her.

I was only eleven, but I could clearly understand the sense of urgency.

They were working furiously to save her life.

She was a five year old little girl and had become a friend to me in the ICU.

Because she was too young to read, I volunteered to read her stories. My jokes made her laugh. She brightened my day with her constant smile and upbeat attitude.

In the intensive care unit, you took any smile you could get.

We both had a common bond and the scars to prove it.

We had each been born with holes in our hearts and we had each just gone through major heart surgery.

Today it’s commonplace to not only survive heart surgery but to be in and out of a hospital within a few days. The technology and equipment is more sophisticated. The training is elevated. This helps make today’s success rate for open heart surgery very high.

That was not the case back in the early seventies. Back in those days, heart surgery was a major risk. Doctors were learning on the job and could only hope for a positive result.

Each successful open heart surgery in the seventies was a great victory. It is safe to say that me and those like me were guinea pigs of sorts. We went into surgery because we had no choice, but the risk of success and survival was perhaps thirty percent for kids.

Back then doctors still did a fantastic job, they simply didn’t have the benefit of today’s technology.

I heard a monitor near my new friend make a strange and study beeping sound and then I saw the doctors rubbing something on her tiny frail chest. Finally I saw her body bounce on her bed as the electric paddles made her jolt. This went on for a few minutes then everything stopped. I sensed the worse and minutes later I witnessed a lady tell her parents that their daughter had died. The little girl’s mom cried out and shook. Her dad did not react much better. It was awful!

I had only known this sweet 5-year-old girl for a short time, but I cried as they rolled her body out of the intensive care unit. Back then several patients shared a room and we were a fraternity of survivors, unless of course one of us did not make it. When one of us from the group died, a piece of us all died with him or her.

I was depressed for several days after the little girl died. The only saving grace was that soon after my improved health allowed me to go from the ICU into a private room. A month after that I finally went home from the hospital after a three month stay.

Shortly after arriving back home I had a horrible nightmare about the little girl’s death.

I must have let out a loud scream because my dad came in to see what was wrong.

He finally calmed me and said we could talk about it in the morning.

The next morning I told my dad that I felt guilty that the little girl had died from the same surgery I had. I asked him how it went so good for me and why she had to die.

My dad then explained that it did not go so easy for me after all.

He told me it was a miracle I had survived. I was shocked!

My father calmly explained all the complications I had fought through.

During my surgery I had severe internal bleeding, I was given the last rites by a priest and I was within mere minutes of death because of the amounts of internal bleeding I had.

He explained that after my surgery I was in a coma for almost two weeks. My dad told me that during those two weeks that little girl came over to my bed in the ICU and sang songs to me. She didn’t know me, but she knew I needed any help I could get to survive. How could a 5-year-old girl know this?

Now decades later, I have learned more about how lucky I was to survive such a complex surgery. I’ve heard about kids who met the same fate as the little girl I watched die.

I’ve read about children and adults who didn’t get to experience a miracle that would extend their lives.

Each day after I shower I see the two long scars that remind me of how lucky I am to be alive.

Ironically, the two scars I have make a cross in the middle of my chest.

Those scars have faded a bit, but some days they remind me of that little 5-year-old girl who died in front of me. In my mind she is smiling her brilliant smile, as if to say make the most of this day. When I was struggling to survive, I had a pint sized guardian angel looking over me. She was singing me songs to help me get through a time in my life when I needed a miracle.

Now, I truly understand that every day is a miracle. I also know that you never know when a guardian angel will come into your life. It’s apparent to me that Guardian Angels come in all shapes and sizes. Mine happened to be a tiny young girl with a great big smile!

Thanks to her I learned that each day is a miracle of life and the importance of gratitude!

David Starlyte, is a spiritual coach, writer and teacher. A health-science degree graduate, David’s background includes over 16 years in the wellness industry with the last 12 of those being based in Australia. He has trained with Qi Gong masters in China and Buddhist monks in Thailand. He has even studied with kabbalists as a monastic in the Middle-East. As a channel for Divine wisdom, his intuitive coaching, speaking and healing sessions invoke purposeful shifts into deeper connection, inner peace and awakening. To find out more, visit his website and follow him on Facebook and Instagram.

Image courtesy of Caroline Hernandez.

The post Little Angel appeared first on Positively Positive.

Right now, you have access to an unlimited supply of peace.

The kind of joyful, steady peace you can dip your toes into on a hot summer day.

In this moment, you can have the fresh air of freedom, like opening all the windows and letting the light pour in.

Wherever you stand, you can summon the courage that rolls through the sky like thunder.

And whenever you need it, you have the key to a strength that’s both solid enough to build an empire upon and giving enough to allow the flowers to break through.

I know that sometimes it feels like what you need is somewhere out there, in a buried chest, and you don’t even have a map, but you carry the most valuable treasures on the inside.

Wherever, whenever, however you are, you can create your own joy. And freedom. And courage, strength, wisdom, compassion, and peace.

The seeds have been planted, and it’s you who nurtures them.

To begin, give yourself a little space – a little time, a little sacred place, a little room to catch your thoughts and breath. And in that space, practice stillness. Practice acceptance of what you find in that stillness, offering it curiosity and caring.

This is how I’m doing it. I use this Soul Smile Meditation for solace when I feel depleted, when I want to bask in gratitude, and when I want to align with goodness.

Breathing in, I find my center.
I bring love and peace into my body.

Breathing out, I feel my soul smile.
I release light and joy into the world.

Breathing in, we find our center, that place of calm and stillness. It’s where our most authentic desires are born, our wisest decisions are made, and our most focused, intentional actions begin.

This is how we water the seeds of joy, compassion, and strength. This is what renews our spirits.

Breathing out, we release all that we’ve cultivated into the world. For better or for worse.

It’s in the flow between inhaling and exhaling that we anchor ourselves to the present, and it’s in the present that we can examine the past and dabble in the future. @ralph_leslie (Click to Tweet!)

It’s there that we can play in our desires, set intentions, and move forward with focused energy.

If you’d like to practice this meditation, it’s as simple getting still, breathing, and repeating to yourself:

Breathing in, I find my center. I bring {whatever you need} into my body.
Breathing out, I feel my soul smile. I release {whatever you want} to the world.

Try it and share how it felt in the comments below.

P.S. If you’d like more, you can find this meditation in my new book, There, I Might Find Peace. It’s poetry and prose, mantras and meditations for peace, love, and strength.

Leslie Ralph is a psychologist, writer, and artist who hopes to leave the world a little brighter than she found it.  Her people are creative, sensitive spirits who crave love and peace, inside and out. Leslie is the author of There, I Might Find Peace: Poetry and Prose, Mantras and Meditations for Peace, Love, and Strength. Download her free gift, a ritual for receiving, a daily ritual for bringing more love and light, clarity and confidence, meaning and connection to your life. You can follow Leslie on Facebook or Instagram.

Image courtesy of Kalen Emsley.

The post This Is How We Nurture the Seeds of Joy, Compassion, and Strength appeared first on Positively Positive.

I had millions of dollars from selling a business and then I lost it all. I lost my home. I had the IRS all over me.

Then I lost my family. Then all my relationships fell apart.

My friends and family from the year 2000 no longer talk to me. I take that back. One friend from the year 2000.

I built it back up. Built another business. Sold it. Bought another house. Then lost the money and lost the house. Lost my friends.

I changed my definition of success.

This is my new definition:

• CONNECTION: Being with people I love who love me. NO TOXIC PEOPLE. For better or worse, I have a “one strike and you’re out” policy. We wear this bag of skin for only so long.
• COMPETENCE: Find the things I love, get good at them, even a little bit, every day.
• FREEDOM: When I do something I don’t want to do, I feel resentment, I don’t do a good job, people get upset, and I lose track of who I am. If you don’t make the choices in your own life then someone else will and the results won’t be as good for you.

This is hard to do.

It’s not about “ building good habits”.

I put that in quotes because so many bullshit self-help writers think it’s about habits.

A “habit” is “make the bed” or “brush your teeth every day.”

And it’s not about goals.

Again, many self-help gurus say “have big goals”. “Think big or die small”. Blah blah.

This is also BS. If all you have is a big goal you’re guaranteed to not make it.

When I was going to shoot myself in the head I started to figure out what was important to me. And ever since then I’ve had success.

In the past few years I’ve written many bestselling books. I’ve built an almost $100 million in rev. business that’s still growing. I have great friends that I love. My family is better than ever.

I have a podcast that’s had over 70 million downloads. And, my biggest achievement: I’m a Top Quora Writer for five years in a row.

I’m in control of most of the decisions of my life. And I’m OK with the decisions I have no control over (it’s raining today, for instance, so I have a raincoat).

I have a cough today but I’m carrying cough drops. I hope it gets better.

But I don’t care. I’m looking forward to going to the hex game cafe later and playing board games.

I’m sick of interviewing billionaires and world champions.

So boring. They all say the same things. But they speak the language of success. I’ve learned so much by interviewing them.

None of what they say is a surprise. But actually putting it to work and seeing the results right in front of me is proof that these ideas, these processes they put in place, have worked for them.

They’ve worked for me also.

But I think I’m a little lazy. I like to binge watch TV also.

A) VALUES

What do you stand for?

I ask this to people and they say stupid shit like, “I want to help entrepreneurs succeed”. Or, “I want to help people communicate better.”

I don’t mean to be harsh. But really check yourself to see if anyone gives a shit about what you say.

For me: I want to be honest with the people around me. I want to do the things in life that I love (and that changes almost every day).

And when I say I will do something: I over promise and then deliver.

That beats out the people who think they are smart by “under promising”. That’s the strategy of a loser.

I want to be healthy and creative. I want to entertain.

I want to raise children to be good adults.

I want desperately to not care what people think about me. I want to treat people with grace and respect and not care about the consequences.

If I help myself, share how I do it in an entertaining way, then I can hope for the best.

Oh, and whatever I am interested in: I want to be a threat.

B) PERSISTENCE

If you improve 1% a day at the things you love, then very quickly you find obstacles.

1% a day equals 3,800% in a year when compounding.

How do you improve?

“Plus, Minus, Equal”.

This was told to me by the greatest ultimate fighting champion ever: Frank Shamrock.

Find your Plus: a mentor or group of mentors, even if they are virtual (an author, someone on YouTube, etc.).

Find your Equals: people who are moving up the chain with you that you can compare notes with.

Find your Minus: people who you can teach. If you can’t teach, then you don’t understand what you’re supposed to be teaching.

(With former MMA world champion Frank Shamrock)

Business is a great example. Some people are great at building a $1 million business. But at $10 million in revenues, there is a different set of problems. And at $100 million there is a greater set of problems.

Success means viewing problems as opportunities for solutions. @jaltucher (Click to Tweet!)

In business, relationships, family, friendships, writing, art, etc.

If you don’t have problems to persist through then you’ve stopped getting better and life will get worse.

C) PATIENCE

I’ve asked 400 of the most successful people in the world what they did when they were at their worst.

How did you survive?

Almost always the answer is: WAIT.

Keep being healthy. Keep writing down ideas. Keep being honest and helping friends and doing good.

But don’t force anything in your career or life.

Henry Winkler (the actor who played “The Fonz” on Happy Days in the ’70s), told me during his NINE dark years of no acting that the worst thing he could have done was force it.

Instead, he kept his network alive. He learned how to produce and direct. And gradually he got back into acting. Last season, on Barry, he helped that show get 13 Emmy awards.

When you thrash, you crash.

Just be quiet. Don’t move too much. Be calm. Be patient.

Life rewards the patient.

(Me and “The Fonz” at the comedy club, Stand Up NY, where I am part-owner)

D) READY. FIRE. AIM.

Sara Blakely, the wealthiest self-made woman in the world (she created Spanx) got her first big order and had only a few weeks to deliver.

The problem: she didn’t have a manufacturer.

So she found one. She was lit on fire and had to put that fire out.

So many people plan, plan, plan. Analysis paralysis.

Have the idea. Get the order. Then figure it out.

Want to swim. Get thrown in the water. Don’t drown.

Have a story. Write it down. Then edit the grammar and make a second, third, fourth draft of the story.

Richard Branson didn’t buy 10 airplanes and then start Virgin Air.

He called Boeing, convinced them to LEND him a plane for a year. Then got a route from the U.S. to England. THEN started Virgin Air, which he sold for billions.

(Sara built Spanx [example in the image] into a multi-billion dollar business without any fashion experience. She just wanted to help women feel better)

E) OBSESSION

When you love something, you’ll WANT to do it in every spare moment.

You’ll read about it. You’ll watch videos. Get mentors. Talk about it with friends. Study the nuances. Start trying it for yourself. And on and on.

The one who is obsessed will beat out the person who is not obsessed.

Why? Simple: the person who is not obsessed will NEVER know the nuances and subtleties.

I once started a business that combined my interests in writing, investing and programming. All my prior obsessions.

Three months into developing my idea I realized I had a ton of competition. But I could tell they weren’t obsessed. They weren’t a threat.

I got millions of users with a month.

I sold my company for $10 million. They all went out of business.

Nobody can beat an obsessive person.

(Sasha Cohen told me only obsession is what got her a medal in the 2006 Olympics)

F) TALENT SEX

Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, told me, “I’m pretty good at drawing, but not the best. I’m pretty good at writing, but not the best. I’m pretty funny, but not the best, and I’m pretty good at business, but not the best. But I’m probably the best at the combination.”

Which is why Dilbert is the top selling syndicated cartoon strip and Scott is probably worth over $100 million.

When you get pretty good at a lot of things and then combine them, you’ll be among the best in the world at the intersection.

List your talents. Start figuring out how to combine them.

G) VISION

Don’t read the news. Read a lot of books by smart people. Here are some starting points:

     Sapiens by Yuval Harari

     The Evolution of Everything by Matt Ridley

    Antifragile by Nassim Taleb

    Zero to One by Peter Thiel

    Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

    Thinking in Bets by Annie Duke

Look around the world. Don’t listen to the people who are screaming and yelling and hating and fighting.

Think realistically about what you love doing: where will it be five years from now?

For instance, is the two-party system in America going to last? Will TV shows still be 30 minutes or 60 minutes? Will bookstores exist? Will Uber still exist? Will AI be doing surgeries?

Have a vision for where the world is going. Or wait for one (see above). Vision is the mother of invention.

H) PERSUASION

Every successful person I know knows how to persuade.

Robert Cialdini’s book Influence is the bible of persuasion techniques.

BUT, Vision + Obsession + Health makes it easy to persuade others.

I) EMPATHY

Rule #3 of improvisation is: “Make your scene partner look good.”

Nobody gives a shit about you. Stop caring so much about what people think you.

Focus on how to make the people around you look good. Then the world around you will look good. Then the center of the world around you will look good.

I mean… you.

J) PROBLEM SOLVING

1. Get a waiter’s pad
2. Every day write down 10 ideas

Within six months you will be an idea machine. People will throw problems at you and you will be able to solve them trivially.

This is a super power. And with great power comes great responsibility.

On the TV show Crashing, Pete Holmes asks the famous comedian Whitney Cummings, “Can you give me advice? What does it take to succeed?”

I love her response. First she said, “I can’t tell you. There’s no answer.”

And he begged. “Please just tell me one thing “

She said, “The star is the person everyone else wants to be friends with.”

James Altucher is the author of the bestselling book Choose Yourself, editor at The Altucher Report and host of the popular podcast, The James Altucher Show, which takes you beyond business and entrepreneurship by exploring what it means to be human and achieve well-being in a world that is increasingly complicated. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Spencer Dahl.

The post How to Succeed in Life appeared first on Positively Positive.

“When my little boy shouts at me, it really pushes my buttons. I just can’t help it. I always end up shouting back, or worse.” – Shannon

Many parents tell me that when their child gets defiant, they “can’t help” losing their tempers. But if we can’t stay calm when we feel provoked, how can we expect our children to do so? When you live with children, you can expect childish behavior. It’s our job to calm the storm, not escalate it into a tsunami.

How can you model self-regulation and emotional intelligence instead of drama and tantrums?

1. Stop, Drop (whatever your agenda is at that moment, just until you’re calmer) and Breathe. Remind yourself that it isn’t an emergency. You can’t avoid getting triggered, at least sometimes. But you can train yourself to notice when you’re losing it, and to step away from the situation.

You can still set limits with your child. Once you calm down, you’ll be able to connect before you correct, so you can calm the storm instead of making things worse. (No, you don’t look weak. You look like someone who can manage her anger. You’re the role model, remember?)

2. Don’t set limits when you’re angry unless someone is in danger. Move the person who is in danger to safety without engaging with the person who’s angry. If you feel an urgent need to set your child straight, that’s a signal that you’re in “fight, flight or freeze”. When your child starts looking like the enemy, just bite your tongue and turn away.

3. Remind yourself that your child isn’t “misbehaving” because he’s out to get you. If he’s “acting out,” he’s acting out emotions he can’t articulate. He’s still learning and his brain is still developing, so he needs your help to calm down and put his feelings into words.

4. Control you, not your child. It’s natural to respond to your child’s defiance with anger. But that won’t help the situation; it just escalates the storm. Resist taking any action while you notice your own emotions. Your priority is to melt that knot in your chest that’s making you feel so upset. Once you restore yourself to a state of calm, your child will be more reasonable, too. If she’s not, go on to #5.

5. Create safety by listening. Whether your toddler is tantrumming or your teenager is shouting, what your child needs is for you to listen. Say “You must be so upset to speak to me that way….what’s going on?” Then listen.

Wondering how your child will stop tantrumming or shouting if you “reward” him by listening? If he feels heard, he won’t need to shout. As soon as you create safety with your calm voice and willingness to hear his point of view, your child will begin to calm down. That’s not a reward. It’s teaching him that yelling is not necessary.

And ultimately, kids learn emotional regulation from our modeling. So shouting back teaches all the wrong lessons. Of course you need to set limits on dangerous behavior, but you can do that with compassion so you create emotional safety at the same time. You never need to limit feelings. And no, sending your child to his room to calm down does not create emotional safety. It teaches your child that his emotions are shameful and scary.

6. Remind yourself that all behavior is communication. One of the biggest mistakes parents make when their child is angry is “correcting” the child’s expression of anger. But that just makes the child feel unheard, which increases their fury. It also sets up a power struggle. So if your child sweeps everything off the table onto the floor, resist telling her to “Pick that up right now!” She knows she was breaking the rules — that’s why she did it; so you would see how upset she is. Instead, take her behavior as communication and answer what she’s telling you. “You’re showing me how furious you are by throwing things on the floor. I see you’re very angry. Tell me in words and I will listen.” Resist “correcting” until after everyone calms down.

7. Soften your heart. What if your child is stuck in anger and doesn’t soften? Lead the way. Soften your own heart. Sure, you’re right, at least from your perspective. But would you rather be right, or be love? Let go of being right and see it from his perspective. He’ll soften in response, and show you the tears and fears behind the anger. You might think you’re “giving in.” But if you try this, you’ll find that softening your heart to see his side of things is healing for you, too.

Would you rather be right, or be love? Let go of being right and see it from your child’s perspective. You’ll find that softening your heart to see his side of things is healing for you, too. @DrLauraMarkham (Click to Tweet!)

8. Take a break. Can’t get any softer at this moment, because you’re both too angry? Let it go for now. Tell your child “I need to calm down; then we’ll find a way to make this better.” Once you’ve calmed down, find a way to re-connect. Model for your child how to repair the tear in your relationship. Use physical touch and playful laughter to build trust and safety.

That’s it. Less drama, more love. 

But what if you find yourself exploding often? That’s a message that you need to do some work on yourself. After all, no one ever really “triggers” you. They’re your triggers, from your own childhood. Your child has simply unearthed them and is giving you the opportunity to heal them. That’s our next post: Angry? Don’t lose it. Use it!

Dr. Laura Markham, founder of AhaParenting.com and author of The Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.

Image courtesy of Daiga Ellaby.

The post When Your Child’s Anger Triggers You appeared first on Positively Positive.

We hear this from motivators: “You are the average of the five people that you surround yourself with.”

Cue the racing mental inventory of your friendships: are your homies “successful” enough? Is their mojo rubbing off on you? Are you going to let go of friends who haven’t gotten rich yet? Or sober? Who aren’t f-ckin’ crushin’ it?

There’s a shadow to the “5 people rule”. It can make us transactional… strands of usery can find their way into the connection, tinges of envious cloying. And in that dynamic, real love will struggle to grow.

Yes, be intentional, fill your life with people who are deeply well. But also consider being the opposite of calculating—which is being organic, which grows the magic.

Consider loving your people where they’re at. Because at some point in life each of us will be struggling or soaring with conventional definitions of success. We’ll be face-planted in pain, in between confused and resolute, or the best in class.

Be fully you, loving the people in your life for being fully themselves. @DanielleLaPorte (Click to Tweet!)

And if you can emulate their A+ ways or they can hook you up, then that’s just a bonus on top of true love and integrity… which is the kind of success that really matters.

Danielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is author of White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path—from one seeker to another. The Fire Starter Sessions, and The Desire Map: A Guide To Creating Goals With Soul—the book that has been translated into 8 languages, evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top 10 iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries.

Named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs and what’s been called “the best place online for kickass spirituality.” A speaker, a poet, a painter, and a former business strategist and Washington-DC think tank exec, Entrepreneur Magazine calls Danielle, “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.” Her charities of choice are Eve Ensler’s VDay: a global movement to end violence against women and girls, and charity: water, setting out to bring safe drinking water to everyone in the world. She lives in Vancouver, BC with her favourite philosopher, her son. You can find her @daniellelaporte and just about everywhere on social media.

The post Love, Transactionality, and the “5 People” You Hang With appeared first on Positively Positive.

Do you ever dream about the person you think you’re supposed to be? Ever wonder why you’re not happy, or struggling? Do you have days where you feel like you’ve got it all figured out, and the next day you feel like you’re a novice?

Have you ever taken a moment to ask a very simple question?

“Am I part of the problem?”

Here’s the ugly truth … most days, you’re the one in your own way. Sometimes you’re the mean girl (or guy) who isn’t kind and positive. Sometimes you are that jealous person that cant seem to muster up a positive thing to say about anyone.

Sometimes, you’re that person to others. Sometimes, you’re that person to yourself.

YOU can be both the problem and the solution. Want to know why?

It’s because everyday is an opportunity to grow into the person you want to be.

Life is programmed to throw challenging situations our way so that we can learn new things about ourselves, both good and bad. What’s important is that we take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable for our actions. @intuitionheals (Click to Tweet!)

Being the problem doesn’t make us less worthy, less amazing, or all around awful. What it does mean is that we screw up from time to time and those moments are an opportunity to forgive ourselves, to learn, and to grow into better versions of ourselves.

I think we all can relate to this. We often have expectations of ourselves to be perfect and need friendly reminders to give ourselves a break!

The next time you say to yourself, “Wow, you really effed up!” take a deep breath and thank yourself for noticing how you messed up. Forgive yourself. Apologize if you hurt anyone due to a lack of consciousness. Move on with your head up high and commit to doing better next time.

Making mistakes doesn’t make us bad or toxic people. Making mistakes also doesn’t give us the right to jump on the self-hatred, self-loathing pity train. Those moments just give us the opportunity to show up better next time.

Making mistakes simply makes us human.

May this touch your heart and serve as a reminder to be kind and gentle to yourselves in all your waking moments.

HUGE HUGS!

Robin

Robin Lee is a medical intuitive, author, mentor, gratitude advocate, and speaker who has helped thousands of people around the world understand the language of their bodies. Robin believes that our bodies innately know how to balance and heal themselves if given proper care and support. Visit her website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter, where she shares tips, tools, and techniques to honor our bodies and heal our lives!

Image courtesy of Michael Barón.

The post Are You in Your Own Way? appeared first on Positively Positive.

Getting your life back after a breakup can be hard. And one of the most challenging obstacles to overcome is one that can grab hold of even the most patient of people.

Being bitter about what happened.

Bitterness is nasty. What makes it so ugly is that it has a tendency to turn you, an otherwise kind and reasonable person, into someone who is so angry at their own life situation that it is impossible to recover—exactly what you need to do as you move on with the next chapter in your life.

Bitterness makes it hard for people to be around you. It makes it hard for you to focus on all the good stuff you have going on in your life. And it keeps you from moving on.

This feeling is a combination of anger, disappointment, and resentment at being treated unfairly. Did you notice that? The verb treated is in the past tense, and it deals with things that happened that you cannot change and cannot control.

The more you continue to look in the past, the harder it becomes to plan your future. And your happiness. And the rest of your life.

So, knock it off. And start channeling those feelings and that energy into planning your new life. Feeling resentful because of being treated unfairly during your marriage sucks. It’s completely not fair and not right that your ex did not treat you with the love and respect that you deserved.

But remember, that the longer you allow yourself to feel angry because of the harm this person did to you during your marriage, the longer and easier it is for them to have control over you.

As we learn and grow and get older, we become people of finite emotional energy. Don’t waste it on the partner you are no longer with.

There is most likely a reason that you are no longer with that person, and the end of the relationship has given you the chance to start over and do things on your own terms. So why let your ex have any more control over you? This is your chance to define who you are, what it is that you want, and where it is that you want to be. And that sure has nothing to do with your ex being able to dictate how you feel, which is exactly what happens when you’re resentful.

You can let it go. You deserve to let it go.

Exercise: How to let the bitterness go.

1. Write down—and be specific—about the things that are exactly making you bitter. But don’t spend much time reflecting on that type of stuff for a number of reasons. One, because the factors leading up to you feeling that way are in your past, which you can’t change. Two, because the only way you can overcome those feeling is to reframe how you think of it and focus on the future instead. Need some examples? Take a look below!

I feel bitter because I thought we were going to get married and build a life together, and now I feel like I wasted my time.

I feel bitter because I see my ex moved on with their new relationship and I’m still here with nothing.

2. Reframe it. The problem with bitterness is that it forces us to look at something in the negative light, when it is a blessing in disguise.

I’m bitter because my ex has moved on and I’m still here. Okay, so I’m not with my ex anymore, but that means that I don’t have to put up with all their craziness.

Oh, so he/she has a new partner? Well, let them deal with my ex—I am better off without them and now I am free and my life is now my own. They actually did me a favor. I am better off without my partner, and if anything, I can actually feel happy and relieved that such toxicity is no longer in my life, dragging me down. 

You do not have to fight the battle alone.

It’s normal to have some residual hard feelings after a split. However, if you find yourself not being able to shake it, remember that you have options for reaching out for a little assistance. Depending on your needs, you may find that working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you pinpoint what is holding you back and can help you move on.

You should not have to be a prisoner to feeling bitter, and there is no reason that it needs to control your life. The amazing future that comes after letting go is waiting for you.

Martha Bodyfelt is a Certified Divorce Recovery, and Confidence Coach whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers regain their confidence and move on with their lives. For your free gift The Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide, stop by www.survivingyoursplit.com or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

Image courtesy of Marco Xu.

The post Bitter After Your Breakup? Here’s What to Do. appeared first on Positively Positive.