Weight of the World

There’s a lot of anxiety in the world right now. Worry about the future, violence, uncertainty, hardship, and justice occupy our minds. Though it makes perfect sense that we would have worry and fear, how can you learn to keep it in check, find a place of peace, and transform anxiety into positive energy and action? The weight of the world is not yours to bear.

Nothing can change within yourself, nor can you impact the world around you if you are locked in your own prison of anxiety. – Derek O’Neill (Click to Tweet!)

Caring about the state of the world is not the same as having anxiety about it. Care and empathy will propel you into a mindset that can be a positive force. Anxiety just paralyzes you and creates inaction and inward thinking that feeds on itself.

Healing Begins with Self-Reflection

You cannot be of service to others by feeling anxious about their circumstances, or your own. Acceptance doesn’t mean complacency, yet you cannot fight the good fight until you see the positive and negative elements in the world as part of a natural order. There will be light and there will be dark. All the anxiety in the universe won’t change anyone’s situation, or an issue, or unfair policy, or wrongdoing at any level. When we work on our own consciousness, we can then connect with a collective consciousness that can transform people, countries and the entire world. Healing begins with self-reflection and discovery.

Quieting anxiety is a quieting of the mind. All of us need to begin to take responsibility for who we are, what we are, and what it is that we want to change. To get there you have to come from a space of silence. At some stage, we must make a conscious decision to say, “Okay, here I am, I am sitting here. I’m going to be quiet for a moment and I’m going to see what is going on in my life right now that could be changed for the better.”

You are inherently empowered to understand that no matter what emotion you are feeling, it’s all energy at the end of the day.

How much energy you put into feeling anxious about the world, or your individual life, will determine whether it lives or whether it dies. If you plant a vegetable in the garden and you don’t water it and give it nourishment, it will die, simple as that. You have to cut off the life force of anything you don’t want in your life anymore, or it’s going to continue to grow. The first step is to acknowledge that anxiety is keeping you from experiencing all the potential that is available to you. Once you recognize that anxiety has become an issue, you can begin to take away its life force.

#LLLD

Derek O’Neill, fondly referred to as the Celtic Sage, inspires and uplifts people from all walks of life, offering guidance to influential world leaders, businesses, celebrities, athletes and everyday people alike. Distilled from his life work in psychotherapy, a martial arts career and intensive study with wise yogis and Indian and Tibetan masters, Derek translates ancient wisdom into modern day teachings to address the biggest challenges facing humanity today. For additional insights listen to his free radio archives or order his books on Anxiety, Stress and Depression.

Derek O’Neill, fondly referred to as the Celtic Sage, inspires and uplifts people from all walks of life, offering guidance to influential world leaders, businesses, celebrities, athletes and everyday people alike. Distilled from his life work in psychotherapy, a martial arts career and study with wise yogis and Indian and Tibetan masters, Derek translates ancient wisdom into modern day teachings to address the biggest challenges facing humanity today. For additional insights listen to his free radio archives or order his book on Forgiveness.

Image courtesy of Tobi.

The post Anxiety In A Chaotic World: Acceptance, Healing And Hope appeared first on Positively Positive.

The Path of Creation Never Did Run Smooth!

An idea comes to you, perhaps in the early hours of the light dawning, it whispers in your ear, stirs your soul, and breathes you awake. You wake up, wide, wide awake, heart banging, it’s 4:44 am and you just have to get this out of your head and down on paper if there is any chance of getting back to sleep.

You get up, you scribble it down, you feel wired, awake and exhausted all at the same time… Congratulations!

You’ve just been chosen (again) you were already chosen you see, chosen to be born – that might not seem a lot but actually, the odds are 1 in 4 trillion, for you to be created, and now you know why you just have to persevere through the four stages of creation. You have something incredibly special inside of you, waiting to be born. But what is it and how on earth can you bring it to life?

The Four Stages of Creation Never Did Run Smooth!

Stage 1. The Thought

The idea launches you into the ether, lifting you up sky high with inspiration – this is when we feel closest to “God”. That Eureka moment so clean, true and pure, life is coursing through your veins, everything feels brighter, clearer, easier, more vibrant… At first, but then we overthink, and overthink until we have done our own head in.

Stage 2. The Emotion: Thoughts cross the line and the emotional high becomes emotional resistance… here’s some I am sure you will relate to:

1. No time to devote to creating something new.
2. This is too big for me to cope with.
3. Who am I to think I can do this?
4. It will never work, people will think I am mad!

And I am sure that there are plenty more where that came from! It just feels like too much to cope with, so much so that you can easily topple from your sky highness with a heavy thump to the Earth.

It usually then takes the idea a good couple of years of being persistent, going away and coming back again until it finally breaks through (or moves on to someone else).

If you manage to keep on going you will inevitably get to…

Stage 3. The Wand 

Where you finally think “what the heck!” You start creating, and it’s SO exciting seeing it actually start to come to life, WOW!!! And along the way also, the disappointments – but only if you are attached to it happening a certain way. For the truth is, no-one not even the so-called greatest psychic could foretell the path of a creation. You are here to put it in motion, stand back and enjoy witnessing it all unfold. It will never unfold the way you expected to, for it has a life of its own.

The magic is in knowing that the creation is much bigger than we could have ever envisaged and to let it be. Finally, you come to…

Stage 4. The Manifestation

It’s here in your hands, ready to be passed on into others hands all around the world, and all those fears you had, they were unfounded, and all those lives you touch or even change because you worked through those four stages made it all so worth it.

Keep going, birthing is a bitch as they say, but then again, what you have forever after is truly wondrous.

Back on my birthday in 2016 I did a Temezacal (Mexican Sweat Lodge) in the Yucatan Jungle.

The Shaman smudged me, dowsed me, steamed me inside and right out. He took me through the four planes of existence and asked me four soul-searching questions.

A couple of nights later I was visited by The Magician Archetype in Tarot at 4:44 am, he woke me up and whispered into my very being what I was to create next.

He told me that in order to fulfill the burning passion in my veins of The Transformational Truth of Tarot getting out there into the world in a way that helped people to see that they have their own answers and the greatest thing they could do would be to get to know themselves – and each other and work on that connection I had to make it a game!

He showed me the board, he showed me everything, so much so that where other games have needed years of testing because they get easily broken, this never happened. It was a faultless, seamless creation, a  perfect gift from the Gods. But still. It’s taken until now, two years later, to work through stages 1, 2 and 3, and finally, it’s ready to get into stage 4.

I got stuck in the swampy Emotions of The Cups  (the second stage), for a very long time and when I got to the third stage of The Wands, things didn’t happen as I wanted them to, but I moved through this quickly as I was able to recognize that the creation had its own plan and if I didn’t go along with that then I would get stuck again.

And now I am in the fourth stage and it feels amazing!

So here is my quick-fire guide to moving through The 4 Stages of Creation:

1. The First Stage: Swords/Thought/Air – Write it down, but don’t think about it too much, get it down and move on, I’d like to say bypass the cups but…
2. The Second Stage: Cups/Emotion/Water – Your emotions will push and pull your idea from every which way unless you can bring out the mother in you, see this as your baby because it is. What would you do to protect its welfare and its life? You have your answer.
3. The Third Stage: Wands/Action/Fire – Everyday, do a little bit more, and when it doesn’t work out how you envisioned embrace that with an openness and a curiosity – just keep going.
4. The Fourth Stage: Pentacles/Manifestation/Earth – This is the part where you receive your creation in your hands, resist the temptation to pick holes in it, remember you are its mother and it’s perfect in its imperfection – there will always be some. Pause, and enjoy the wonder of what you have brought to life, and get ready to go through the four stages again! Most of all, remember to have faith in you and all the ideas and magic that run through you.

Wonderfully creative wishes to you…

Tiffany

Tiffany Crosara has won a multitude of Awards for helping people to move forward in their lives, both on and off the TV screen. She is also the Author of the Award Winning The Transformational Truth series. She is passionate about helping people to live their their life with connection, meaning and purpose and is giving away a chance to get started on the journey free, see here for access: www.tiffanycrosara.com/invite/birth-cards

Image courtesy of Andressa Voltolini.

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There is one essential ingredient missing in most of our relationships — one that is definitely required if we wish to continue in our own development and help others to do the same. What is this powerful catalyst that only we can provide for each other? Room in which to grow.

We can help others reach higher by simply agreeing, consciously, to give them space to go through their changes even when these changes may challenge our sense of self and its well-being.

As just one simple example of how to help in this way, we must each learn to keep ourselves quiet when the actions of someone close to us start to disturb us. Why is this new kind of self-silence so important for the growth of both parties involved?

To begin with, the disturbance that we feel in these moments is caused by a tremor in us. This is to say that our shaky sense of self is an effect of some picture we have held of this person as it hits the ground and shatters. Apart from our children, whom we must guide through their developing years, we need to learn to leave people alone with their decisions and corresponding actions. There is already a truth, a wisdom that supports this conscious course of action.

We already understand that no action of ours ever goes without its commensurate reward. This eternal principle is best known as karma, the great, inescapable law of cause and effect. This means it is our own nature — as the backstage parent of what prods us along in life — that determines what we experience as our life. So too is it with our family and friends… each receives what he or she is — no more, no less. This truth tells us why we must not only give them room to make the choices that they will, but then leave them alone to realize and experience the unique results of being who they are. How else can they learn and grow beyond themselves?

Understanding these truths mandates that we back off from being secretly on everyone’s back, that we give them the inner room they need to grow and discover themselves. The difficulty here is that in order to give others this space they need, we must first make room within ourselves. To state this same idea differently, we must remove ourselves from our habitual inner places of judgments, opinions, and knowing better than anyone else. We have always called this place that must be left behind our “self.”

This conscious sacrifice of self — of who we conceive ourselves to be for the sake of who our friend or loved one is yet to be — gives new meaning to the beautiful ideal of “laying our life down for our brother.”

This is how we help others to help themselves go higher… by daring to grow beyond ourselves. @guy_finley (Click to Tweet!)

Excerpted from The Seekers Guide to Self Freedom, by Guy Finley, Life of Learning Foundation, © 2017 Life of Learning Foundation, Inc. All rights reserved.

Guy Finley is the acclaimed author of more than 35 books and audio programs on the subject of self-realization, several of which have become international best sellers. His popular works, published in 17 languages, are widely endorsed by doctors, professionals, and religious leaders of all denominations. Among many others, his popular titles include: The Secret of Letting Go, Design Your Destiny, The Lost Secrets of Prayer, Apprentice of the Heart, and Let Go and Live in the Now. Finley is the founder and director of Life of Learning Foundation, a nonprofit center for self-study located in Southern Oregon where he gives talks four times each week. Visit www.guyfinley.org for a wealth of free helpful information, free audio and video downloads, and to request your free Self-Improvement Starter Kit.

Image courtesy of Ravi Roshan on Unsplash.  https://unsplash.com/photos/_AdUs32i0jc

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In learning and exploring philosophies like ‘new thought,’ it’s great to discover how much is already aligned with my belief system. And whether it’s personal or faith based, or just living and experiencing life and people around you; it takes a keen eye but an open heart to really listen to what the universe is telling you.

For any number of reasons my state in life is, well, unique for my age. As a walking contradiction in any number of ways, I truly believe this path is predestined… Especially that I find myself interested in learning from people who have had opposite journeys. This has led me to align my creative side with my curiosities and lack of knowledge; to create some truly unique concepts and stories. To me, this is the universe trying to get an important message across.

All of that is to say, if you can relate, you may have found some difficulty discerning between feeling what you think you should feel versus a genuine message outside yourself. Are you hearing what you want to hear, or are you listening to the universe with an open mind? With that said, I’ve found there are at least three ways the universe reaches out to you through the many layers and shields we have up around us.

1) Signs

Let’s start with the hardest first and work our way downward. When the universe uses signs, it can literally be anything or anyone, and endless in nature. Let’s say it’s related to taking a new job in a new city, maybe Seattle. If all of a sudden you start getting Starbucks coupons in your inbox but you don’t drink coffee, start seeing buildings that remind you of the Space Needle, or notice an inordinate amount of Frasier reruns on TV; you might begin to think there’s a pattern forming.

In my experience, it’s been primarily numbers that have gotten my attention. This is all semi recent, only in the last few years, that I’ve really become aware of them. It’s hard to explain to people within my circle, because they think I’m specifically looking for them. I can’t say they’re wrong, but the overwhelming evidence says I’m not seeking them out.

Examples include being on the treadmill with varied speeds and levels, with my time or distance ending on a specific series of numbers. Looking up at the TV at just the right moment to see lottery numbers that match my numerical signs. When I look at my stop watch at just that moment and/or find myself woken up at the right time… Trust me, there are more examples, but their randomness leaves me smiling more times than not.

I’ve talked with other people that have noticed similar things, receiving something from outside themselves that relates to their journey. One of the ways to measure how genuine they might be is if you’re not actively looking for them. I don’t look for the majority of my examples but, trust me, they still show up anyway!

2) Energy

Wouldn’t it be great if you knew then what you know now? It would have done me well back in my 20’s if I knew my energy and those around me better. However, it’s that regret and not always positive lessons that have taught me what I know now to be true.

So what does it say when things aren’t going great, but you still have that drive to be positive? That you need to clear out the negative. Or just the same; if things are finally where you want them to be in your life, but your energy is on the lower end, that could mean something as well.

The universe could be using your energy as a way to get your attention… To get you to focus on your talents or opportunities, help you help those around you, etc. This is especially true for artists, that find their energy is at its most positive when they’re expressing themselves. It could also be athletics or cooking, where you find yourself at home in your own mind, body and soul… Do what preaches to all three.

And this doesn’t always have to be something earth shattering or life altering; but just absorbing the message genuinely and emitting the same positively. Learning this took me some time regarding writing, even though I’ve been clicking away on a keyboard forever! And I have found that although some concepts are less common; I’ve been able to use that template to explore some unique story lines when it comes to humour and drama.

3) Destiny

The universe got to me on this one when I was about five. Exaggerate much, you say? Sure, I don’t blame you for thinking so, but allow me to elaborate. Big mop of hair before I had glasses, dressed in what was no doubt considered to be contemporary in the late 80’s. Kindergarten was roaring a long when during library time we were told to go and pick out a couple of books to read. I don’t remember how I ended up in the history section or what number book this was that I pulled; but when I saw a picture of the prow of the sunken luxury liner Titanic and saw that word in all caps, consider my young mind captivated.

And it’s not just how I believe I was led to do so in reading that book, but how pivotal a role fate played in everything that made that historical example exist in the first place.

Destiny may be the way the universe moves us in certain directions. And even if we don’t comply, somehow we always end up where we were supposed to be. @Apathetic_Vegan (Click to Tweet!)

Clearly this isn’t an exact science and naturally there are plenty of detractors. And where their hearts and/or reasoning may be in the right place, I have yet to find myself convinced that this isn’t a real thing. It’s not exactly tangible, but the concept is proven all the time. How many examples do we have of meeting people that affect us positively and negatively, zigging when we should have zagged, etc?

It’s always been as basic to me as A leading to B leading to C, and so on! Now I can’t always say I’m a huge fan of where it has led me; but still feel that the end result will have made the journey well worth it.

In The End:

There’s no exaggeration when I say, waking up to all this has been exactly easy. Obviously my natural state and approach with this is positive, and I’m grateful for that. However, as much as I love communicating, I don’t always get the message out clearly of what this all means.

Yet, I’m finding that the universe does just that, but that it’s our reception that isn’t always the best. But that shouldn’t be a reflection on the former, but an example of how the latter doesn’t always listen. A quote that seems more than appropriate for this post is:

“The universe never asked you to struggle. It is simply answering your mood.”

To me that says, we should stop being our own worst enemies and truly listen and process. This can be done in many ways, and for someone like myself who tends to be active and energetic, I don’t always take my own advice. But in looking at these three aspects alone, it’s a great template to help focus on what you may be missing. And the best energy may come when you truly listen, and you’re able to share that joy. So, in thinking about how the universe may be reaching out to you, what signs have you encountered?

Matt Preston is a walking contradiction for any number of reasons, as he strives to use his ample energy in a positive and artistic manner. Creativity and humor are also his driving forces in work and in pleasure. Writing is one of his passions, body mind and soul wellness one of his goals, and belief in destiny his internal motivation. You can find him on Twitter and Facebook. 

Image courtesy of Darran Shen.

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“If you don’t change, within 11 months you’re either going to be dead or in jail. Probably in jail.”

A friend of mine told me this.

Actually, I can think of three times, three different friends told me the exact same thing.

One time I was in a bad relationship. I came close to death at least once. Other times I came close to jail. Mostly from trying to hurt myself.

One time I lost money, which was very depressing to me when I had two kids to raise. I figured out how to kill myself but… I always put it off to the next day fortunately.

Another time I got someone pregnant and I could barely take care of myself, let alone two other people.

In each case, I had to pull myself together and change my life.

Reinvention is hard. You can’t just read a book about how to be a success and then suddenly be a success.

The first key is to “cleanse”. This is not like a juice cleanse. It’s like a life cleanse.

Then you are ready for what it takes to reinvent your life. But first… the three habits below.

THE THREE HABITS

1) NO NEWS

I used to read four newspapers every morning. And then I would read about a dozen or so magazines a month.

I thought I needed to stay “informed”.

This is BS.

One time I was backstage while a TV news show was being produced. I had been a guest on the show many times and the producer invited me to come by one time and see how it was made.

It was a mainstream news show. Take the news of the day, invite some “experts”, and then have an anchor or two moderate.

At one point an assistant producer was whispering into the mic of one of the guests, “Now’s the time to argue.” This had also happened to me many times.

The producer leaned over to me and said, “All we are trying to do is fill up the space between advertisements.”

That is what TV news is.

I’ve written for many print news publications. The editor has a meeting first thing in the morning and says, “OK, how can we scare people today?”

That is what print news is.

I am not blaming the reporters or the producers. A video on Facebook might get 20 million views in a day. Local TV news is watched by about 50,000 people a day.

The numbers are dwindling so reporters have to be more and more sensational to get people to look.

And what about quality reporters? They are leaving.

One time I was sitting down with the managing editor of one of the top four newspapers in the country.

He said to me, “I’m having a big problem. My best reporters are getting huge social media followings and they want raises. I have to fire them because everyone should be a team player. Nobody should be a brand by themselves.”

So he fired his top reporters. And then he was fired.

But that is the direction of quality news. It doesn’t inform. It sensationalizes. It isn’t unbiased. It tries to persuade. It isn’t quality writing because it has to turn around so fast.

And, yes, the type of advertisers determines the type of content.

The hour or so a day I used to read the news I now use to read quality books.

I start the day reading quality fiction, quality nonfiction, and usually a book about games.

Quality fiction because that’s where the best writing is. When I read quality writing, I become a better writer and communicator.

Quality nonfiction so I can learn. (People who write quality nonfiction often aren’t the best writers because they spent their lives being the best in the world at the nonfiction topic they are writing about.)

Also, quality nonfiction is really how to be informed. If the news today is about tariffs, I’d much rather read a history of tariffs over the past 500 years to form my own opinion of what’s good and bad.

If the news today is about AI stealing jobs, I’d rather read a book explaining more about AI trends and other attempts through history at a universal basic income and what happened.

If the news today is about Kim Kardashian (as is often the case) or the latest Donald Trump tweet, I’d rather read the biography of a hero of mine so I could see the habits behind true success.

And a book about games (chess, Go, poker, etc.) because I like to improve at things that are difficult and I love games.

Reading is about becoming a better person. “Being informed” happens when I overhear people talk on the subway.

[The image below is the “breaking news” on the front page of CNN.com. Should I stay informed?]

[Below that image is the table of contents from a book I read pretty regularly, Kahil Gibran’s The Prophet. I’d much rather “be improved” than “be informed”. ]

2) WRITING DOWN 10 IDEAS A DAY

I read when Stephen King had a bicycle accident he couldn’t walk for a few weeks.

By the time he started to walk he needed physical therapy because the leg muscles atrophy so fast.

But, even worse, he couldn’t write. After just two weeks out of action, his “writing muscle” had atrophied. He had to write every day to build it back up. And that’s Stephen King, one of the bestselling writers of all time. And one of the most prolific.

Ideas are the same way. Each of us has an “idea muscle”.

It atrophies very quickly if we don’t use it. At least, it atrophies for me. I become dull and I can’t come up with ideas or be creative.

I have written down 10 ideas a day since 2002, when I was at my lowest point financially.

I can’t say I’ve done it every day since. But the periods where I have not done it I’ve lost money, lost relationships, didn’t improve myself, missed opportunities, and was an all around loser.

Here are some types of ideas I write:

• Ideas for businesses I can start. (Stockpickr.com was started that way.)
• Ideas for books I could write. (All of my books started this way.)
• Ideas for chapters in books.
• Ideas for apps I could develop.
• Ideas for shows I could do.
• Ideas for OTHER people to help their businesses.

For instance, I once wrote to all my heroes in the investing business. Warren Buffett, George Soros, etc.

I said, “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

I got zero responses. ZERO! Because it’s not like Warren Buffett is going to say, “Hold everything! James Altucher wants to buy me a cup of coffee!”

So, for each person, I researched them a lot more (read books, bios, etc.) and then I wrote down for each person 10 ideas for their businesses.

I wrote to 20 people.

I got three responses:

• One writer I wrote “10 ideas for articles you can do” and he wrote back, “These are great! Why don’t you do them for us?” and it was my first paid writing job.
• One hedge fund manager I wrote “10 software programs I wrote that can predict the markets” and I sent the track record I had using them. He ended up allocating money to me and it started me off in the hedge fund business.
• One person I wrote I forget what my 10 ideas were but he wrote back and said, “Let’s have lunch”. I responded to him 12 years later and he came on my podcast, the only podcast he ever went on.

Because of this list of ideas I’ve visited Google, Amazon, LinkedIn, and many others. I’ve sold businesses. I’ve written books.

It’s changed my life.

How long does it take to build the idea muscle so you become an idea machine?

About three–six months. But it will take one week to atrophy so you have to keep doing it.

Do I keep track of the ideas? No, not at all. The entire idea is to exercise the idea muscle. 99.9% of ideas are bad. But if you exercise, some of the ideas will be good. But when I write these ideas down I expect most to be awful.

And yet… it just takes one to change your life.

[10 ideas for today: 10 Masterclasses I could teach. Again, the idea is not to have GOOD ideas. Just any ideas. And, who knows? Maybe one idea will muster it’s way to the top in the long run.]

I’ve made millions of dollar because of this one habit.

3) DON’T OUTSOURCE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

Confession: I care what people think of me. I care too much!

So much “self-help” is about not caring what people think of you. Blaze your own path! Go the road less traveled! Be a unique voice!

But my brain rebels against that. I want to be liked. When I was a kid I was very unpopular. It’s hard to get rid of the need to be popular.

I had acne, glasses, braces, curly hair. I played chess all the time. I had one good friend but mostly people didn’t like me.

I was shy. I skipped school a lot because I hated everyone. Sometimes I’d get beaten up. I hated school. I hated growing up.

But inside me now I’m 50 years old with a little 13-year-old boy that nobody liked still whispering to me that nobody will like me.

When a woman wants to date me I almost can’t believe it. When a company wants to work with me I feel like I’m a fraud.

I try everything I can to get people to like me. I write books (so they can like me through my writing). I do stand-up comedy (so they can laugh at my jokes instead of laughing at me). I start and sell businesses (so maybe if I have enough money people will like me, although it’s never enough and this is the worst method to get people to like you. I usually go broke doing it).

I have to constantly remind myself I am very different at the age of 50 than I was at the age of 13. I’ve done X, Y, and Z. A, B, and C. And so on.

When I start to date someone, I can feel myself outsourcing my self-esteem to her (and this is the best way to explain it but it happens in business, friendship, etc.).

I only value myself as much as the other person values me. I’ve given her the keys to my self-esteem.

Let me tell you: nobody wants to handle my self-esteem. Nobody wants responsibility for that. It’s hard enough for them to handle their own self-esteem, let alone mine.

And yet I do it.

It’s a constant battle. I think I’m winning it but the key for me was:

• Awareness that it happens.
• Identifying my 13 year old self somewhere in that outsourcing.
• Reminding myself of the things I’ve accomplished.
• Actively de-stressing if I find myself anxious about what someone thinks of me.

THE SECRET OF SELF-SABOTAGE

When you are anxious about what someone thinks of you (a date, a boss, a colleague, a partner, etc.) you can self-sabotage. Or… I self-sabotage.

The closer I get to something good happening, the more obstacles I throw in my way. Like I get too shy to go on a date. Or I try to impress too much. Or I take a worse deal in a negotiation, etc.

So awareness is key to stop the self-sabotage and then I get back to focusing on improving my life (10 ideas a day, being around good people, not lying, being healthy, respecting the lives around me, etc.).

We only have one life to get this right.

But that means we only have TODAY to get this right.

Tomorrow is not promised to us.

Don’t live life as if it’s your last day. Live life as if it MIGHT be your last day. @jaltucher (Click to Tweet!)

I’m scared of change.

And these three habits are just the beginning.

When I forget them it’s painful. I usually end up in the road drunk. Or in a motel where police locked me up for a night. Or lonely with nobody to talk to. Or dead broke. Or all of the above.

But I had to start.

These habits are necessary for living a life worth living. For creating an impact. For living a life of well-being.

Today might be my last day. So I’m going to love the people around me.

James Altucher is the author of the bestselling book Choose Yourself, editor at The Altucher Report and host of the popular podcast, The James Altucher Show, which takes you beyond business and entrepreneurship by exploring what it means to be human and achieve well-being in a world that is increasingly complicated. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Candice Picard.

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1. When you get off of your own case, you tend to ease up on everyone else around you. Which makes you way more fun to be around. Way more. Only good can come of that.
2. You will probably be more accepting of the way people are. And by “accepting” I don’t mean that you stay in unhealthy relationships with narcissists (insane), or that you hire people purely for their potential (risky), or that you join the committee just to be a good sport (ugh). By “accept” I mean that you stop expending energy trying to change other people, which means that you will have so much more energy for LIVING your life. This calls for an “OMG!” There, I said it. OMG.
3. You will get to flush at least half of your vitamin supplements because you remember that your body knows.
4. Think of all that extra time you’ll have with less therapy. Less therapy = more playing, which turns out to be very therapeutic. And you’ll save on parking.
5. You will do much less explaining and defending of yourself (which is usually crazy making anyway). Who cares what they think?! You are going to:
6. Dare to under-achieve in the over-pleasing department.
7. As my friend Terri Cole puts it, you will stop saying yes when you mean no. How cool is THAT?! Very, very cool. Like, unleash your consciousness kind of cool.
8. Constant self-improvement has numerous associated costs. With all the money you’ll save on workshops on how to have more joy in your life, you could afford a holiday that would be incredibly joyful.
9. You will have significantly, substantially, epically less guilt—which drives so much self-improvement neuroses. And less guilt means your digestion will improve—and happiness really stems from good digestion. Even monks and motivational speakers know that. And positive consequence #10 of not improving yourself…
10. You’ll have time to help others improve their lives. Which might be the best self-improvement methodology, ever.

All Love,

Danielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is author of White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path—from one seeker to another. The Fire Starter Sessions, and The Desire Map: A Guide To Creating Goals With Soul—the book that has been translated into 8 languages, evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top 10 iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries.

Named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs and what’s been called “the best place online for kickass spirituality.” A speaker, a poet, a painter, and a former business strategist and Washington-DC think tank exec, Entrepreneur Magazine calls Danielle, “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.” Her charities of choice are Eve Ensler’s VDay: a global movement to end violence against women and girls, and charity: water, setting out to bring safe drinking water to everyone in the world. She lives in Vancouver, BC with her favourite philosopher, her son. You can find her @daniellelaporte and just about everywhere on social media.

The post 10 Positive Consequences of Not Improving Yourself appeared first on Positively Positive.

Have you noticed? The quality of your thoughts is directly related to the quality of your daily life.

Where your thoughts go, so does your attention. If your thoughts are rotten (self-critical, self-doubting, self-righteous, judgmental) you are likely to feel stuck, unable to connect with your own creative possibilities.

Rotten thoughts are like black holes. They consume the light. There is no opening for fresh air to get in.

When I notice myself with judgmental thoughts I stop and take a breath. I know nothing will flow for me in that moment if I continue. The noticing part is critical. Noticing, however, is not judging my “rotten” thoughts. That would only deepen the cycle.

Instead, I decide to do something different. As I notice the restriction in my thoughts, I have space to do something different. A doorway opens out of the black hole into more spaciousness.

Image credit: infomatique

As my thoughts calm, my vision opens up. What felt small and hard inside me softens. I am able to see and engage with the situation with greater clarity.

My body unfolds in the places where it had been turned in on itself.

It all starts with noticing the way I am thinking.

There are so many voices inside of you that vie for attention. Parental voices that tell you whether you are doing something right or wrong. Critical voices that are aimed towards those around you or those that you direct towards yourself.

There are the “thumping your chest because you know you are right” voices.

But most importantly, there are loving voices that create a feeling of peace and inner harmony.

Get to know your true inner voice

How do you develop a sense of what your voice sounds like when it comes from the deepest experience of who you are?

Your thoughts are the first part of this creative process.

Learn to listen to that small quiet voice within you. You’ll know it when you hear it because it is loving. Get to know it as the voice of truth. Because that is, in fact, what it is. @TheBacaJourney (Click to Tweet!)

It feels completely different in your body than the voices of judgment.

You will be rewarded again and again.

Laurie Seymour is a mentor/guide, #1 best-selling author, host of the Wisdom Talk Radio podcast and founder of The Baca Journey. She helps women and men who are in the midst of great change to have a direct experience of their inner wisdom, dissolving self-doubt. Then she provides the strategies to sustain their inner connection so that they live the life they know is possible with confidence. Start now with a complimentary exploratory session (virtual tea!). Let’s explore where you’ve been and illuminate where you’re heading.  

Featured image courtesy of Tanja Heffner.

The post How Your Thoughts Determine the Quality of Your Life appeared first on Positively Positive.

I went through a pretty tough time recently. When I say tough, I mean I would wake up and my first thought was, Can this day just be over already?

Maybe that sounds like a relatable feeling that you experience on Monday morning after a long weekend, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I don’t mean being tired and unwilling to roll out of bed. I mean feeling that life is so pointless and empty and worthless that there was no point to go through the day doing the same old things with no purpose.

There was no particular reason for my spell of sadness. There were a few changes in my life, but nothing dramatic enough to send me down a spiral of depression. I was trapped in a dark hole and didn’t know how to get out.

If you’ve ever experienced this feeling, or if you’re currently still stuck in your own dark hole, you know how hopeless it can feel. I’m sure you’ve heard before that “it will get better” and doubted it relentlessly, but the good news is that it almost always does.

The solution isn’t the same for everyone. Your mental health journey will be unique and personal to you. But hearing someone else’s journey can help you navigate out of the dark. So here are the top five changes I made in my life that helped me. Maybe they can help you too.

1. Clean up your diet

I would never try to claim to be a “clean eater.”

I’m not huge on greens and when given the choice I would usually rather choose a comfort food over a healthy food – probably a product of growing up in the south.

But once my mental health started to be affected, I took more time to consider all of the items I put into my body, including my food.

Food is our fuel. The chemical makeup of different foods can affect us in different ways. One of these ways is our mood. Indulging in meals with refined carbohydrates like sugar, or just skipping your meals in general can be bad news for your attitude. And I was guilty of both of these.

One of the first steps I took in my mental health journey was to refocus on my meals. Opening my mind to new foods was a big challenge, but it was definitely worth it.

I learned the benefits of adding more complex carbohydrates with soluble fiber to my meals. These foods can increase your serotonin (the happy hormone) and they will slow the absorption of sugar into your bloodstream. These foods will help you feel better and stabilize your mood.

2. Break up your routine

A rut. We’ve all been there.

Humans are creatures of habit, so we can’t help that we get stuck in routines sometimes. These routines can get us down. They’re boring.

If you start to feel like you’re living life in autopilot, slam on the brakes and shake things up a bit.

Change up your morning routine and find a new show to watch or a new route to get to work. Pick up a new hobby to wind-down with in the evenings like an adult sports league or something more relaxed like oil painting.

It may seem intimidating to change, but you won’t turn your life around without taking risks and stepping outside of your comfort zone.

3. Your tribe affects your vibe

If you’re anything like me, you feel major changes based on the energy of your environment. If you surround yourself with negative energy, that’s just asking for a bad mood.

Of course it’s challenging to have to say goodbye to toxic friendships, but once you decide to make that change, you’ll be so glad you did. If someone is leaching your energy, they need to go.

Make considerations into all factors of your life: your romantic relationships, toxic family members, co-workers, and your social media tribe. Social media can be extremely influential on your perspective of your own self-worth. If you find yourself feeling down after scrolling through your feed, maybe take a break from all of the apps as well, or unfollow the people that are affecting your mood.

Once you clean out all of the negative energy in your life, you will allow a place for positive energy to grow.

4. Look forward, but stay grounded

One big strategy I tried was constantly looking forward to something exciting. I would plan events (even if they were small), write them on my calendar, and count down the days to the “next big thing.”

Always looking forward can be just as draining, though. You have to remember to stay grounded and live in the present moment as well.

While the big events can help get you through a tough week as you anticipate a rewarding experience, it’s also important to find the small moments in each day to cherish. The little things in life truly amount to a lot when you start to notice them. A steaming cup of coffee in the morning, the smell of the woods, or hearing the background noise of human interactions can all help brighten your mood once you start to pay attention and appreciate the nuances of life.

5. Follow healthy habits

Turning your mental health around is about more than switching up your routine and eating healthier. If you want to see some big results, you’re going to have to make some big changes.

Do you regularly find yourself feeling low energy and drowsy throughout the day? One culprit could be your meals. Another could be a lack of quality sleep.

It’s more than important to get 7-9 hours of sleep each night – it’s necessary. If this is a challenge for you, try out these tips:

• Take a warm bath
• Use essential oils like lavender in a diffuser to create a more aromatic sleep environment
• Drink a cup of herbal tea
• Try nighttime yoga stretches to relax your muscles
• Stay away from electronics at least two hours before bedtime
• Read a book

If it feels like you’re exhausted all your options and you still wake up not feeling rested, there may be an underlying issue – your mattress. Did you know that the lifespan of a mattress is only between 7-10 years? After that, your sleep will suffer. Do the research to know if you need a better mattress and find the one that best suits your personal needs.

Another way you should shift to healthier habits is by putting yourself first. Your best chance at turning your mental health around is taking time to focus on improving yourself. Your relationships and the other parts of your life are important, but they will all be negatively affected if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

Don’t be afraid to prioritize yourself. It will make all the difference.

Laurie Larson is a freelance writer from North Carolina. She loves working on her own personal health and helping inspire others.

Image courtesy of Radu Florin.

The post How to Turn Your Mental Health Around appeared first on Positively Positive.

Every worldly success I’ve experienced grew from me falling flat on my face.

I wrote and self-published 126 bite-sized eBooks on Amazon after I sold only four copies of my first eBook over four months.

I sold my first online course only after the sales page registered over 8,000 views.

My first post submitted here on Positively Positive failed to be published.

What did I do wrong during those failures?

Nothing.

I simply cleared the fear associated with these failures to make room for success.

Failure isn’t your greatest teacher. Failing just clears fears that need to go for you to succeed. @RyanBiddulph (Click to Tweet!)

What Is Failure?

Failure is a fear-clearing event. When I went bankrupt over 10 years ago I cleared many highly charged fears related to:

• losing money
• losing my reputation
• feeling ashamed around family and friends

Thank goodness I went bankrupt. Otherwise, I’d still carry the heaven burden of these fears and I never would have lived my dreams.

Own Your Failures to Release Your Fears

Failure imprisons you until you own the event and fears related to the failure.

During my security guard days I worked with a millionaire. He could have easily invested a hefty chunk of his fortune in the stock market to never work again. But he worked the second shift as a security guard in a shipping terminal and the first shift at a big box retailer.

Why?

He needed benefits and wanted something to do after retiring but regularly noted how he lost a fortune during a stock market crash and vowed many times to “never do that again.”

His investment failure and associated fear prevented him from making more sound, intelligent investment decisions that would have yielded steady dividends over the long haul and a life of freedom. He chose instead to work 16 hours a day for a little over minimum wage.

What failures did you suffer through in the past? Have you owned these events and the associated fears you may still feel concerning these failures?

If you see any failure as a simple event rather than a crippling jailer you begin to reframe this concept.

List Your Failures

Create a list of particularly painful failures.

Write the failures on a piece of paper.

Spend some time feeling fears that arise as you dwell on the mishaps.

Feel the fear to clear these energies and to remove the emotional charge from the event.

Removing the emotional charge helps you instantly reframe failure from devastating disaster to fear clearing event.

Every failure I experienced removed the burden of illusory fear so instead of saying to myself, “I’ll never do that again!” I say to myself “I can do that from a fun-loving, intelligent energy, without being saddled by fear.”

I feel like I’m sprinting when other people are crawling because I failed so many times and clear so many deep fears that much of what I do online and offline feels effortless. I do not fear falling flat on my face. Nor do I worry about losing money. I cleared those deep fears years ago. By failing.

Don’t Analyze Failure Just Clear the Fear

Don’t bother poring over failure. Just feel the failure-fear and the lesson reveals itself instantly.

Feeling failure is not a pleasant experience but purging emotions related to these events leads to increased happiness, clarity of thought and progressive success.

Plus you see failure for what it is; a fear clearing event and nothing more.

Failing horribly and being with your failure-induced feelings may just make you the happiest you’ve ever been.

Ryan Biddulph is a blogger, author and world traveler who’s been featured on Richard Branson’s Virgin Blog, Forbes, Fox News, Entrepreneur, Positively Positive, Life Hack, John Chow Dot Com and Neil Patel Dot Com. He has written and self-published 126 bite-sized eBooks on Amazon. Ryan can help you build a successful blog at Blogging From Paradise.

Image courtesy of Timothy Eberly.

The post How to Reframe Failure appeared first on Positively Positive.

Do you have mom guilt?
If you’re a mom, the answer is yes.
If you have had a mom, the answer is also most likely, yes.

Why does being a mother or our relationship with our own, have the power to produce guilt? Most of us want to be good in all of the roles in our lives and often times, our inability to recognize and express our limits (as in creating healthy boundaries) leads to feeling guilty. And since we all know excessive guilt can really suck the joy out of your life, I’ve created a guided Guilt-Free Boundary meditation just for you (you can download it at the bottom of the blog) to support your ability to draw boundaries with ease, grace, and love.

I hope this daily reminder of the power of healthy boundaries will reduce mom (or any other kind of) guilt you may be experiencing.

In our society, we idealize the image of the all-giving mother. There is an expectation that total self-sacrifice goes hand in hand with being a good mother. This good mother myth has been driving public opinion about women for decades. The debate between the virtues of working or staying at home moms still rages and now the mompreneur has emerged as a viable option and with each one of these scenarios, guilt of some kind remains a constant.

The pressure to do it all right all the time can be staggering. Making an honest mistake like forgetting the sunscreen on a sunny day at the park or not having the extra diaper in the bag can create fear of judgment from other moms and feelings of guilt and failure. In our society today, the message is, you have to be & do everything. Be a hands-on mom while holding down a full or part-time job or contributing financially in some way. If you’re married, you’re also expected to be a good partner. You might also feel pressured to accept every invite to birthday parties, volunteer at the school bake sale, plus never lose your temper despite being sleep deprived and overwhelmed! The list goes on and on. This can be a very explosive combination especially if you have the disease to please or if you suffer from codependency. Being a mom really taps into that already over-developed desire or need to give of yourself and ultimately to put your own needs, wants, and desires last.

So where are the boundaries in this picture? Feeling like you must do all of these things is an indication of weak or disordered boundaries and it’s so common we don’t even perceive it as a boundary issue. It becomes a question of balance. How can you be a good parent, a good mother, and take good care of yourself? At the end of the day if you don’t, inevitably you become resentful…which creates more guilt and the cycle continues.

If any or all of this resonates with you, don’t worry because you’re in very good company! Let’s move into a few ideas you can put into place to stop setting yourself up to feel chronically guilty. This will create more joy for you to share with your nearest and dearest tribe.

Instagram Lies

Stop the compare and despair circle of feeling less than, right now. All of the perfect looking parenting scenarios on IG are curated. Don’t compare your daily life to someone else’s highlight reel.

Bust Boundary Myths

Identifying the unconscious and conscious limiting beliefs you might be harboring about what drawing boundaries or setting limits means is an important part of this process. Do you secretly think you have to be mean in order to set boundaries? Or that doing so with your family, including children, makes you a less than perfect mom? Remember, you can set boundaries with kindness, compassion, and with love. And you will be so much happier when you’re less stressed which means your family will be happier too!

Mom Mantra

When you know you need to say no to something or set a limit, having a go-to phrase can be a powerful reminder of what is true. Something like,“Boundaries are healthy. I have the right to say no. Boundaries protect the relationships I hold dearest.”

The people you love the most tend to be the ones you want to disappoint the least, which can make creating solid boundaries challenging. Repeating the mantra above (or make up your own) will help uncover any of the boundary ‘myths’ that come to mind (If I draw boundaries, people will think I’m mean etc.)

Honor Your Limits

It is your job to know, express, and honor your limits. When you over give and over function for too long, you aren’t good for anyone. Resentment is inevitable and those feelings don’t just disappear even if you deny them. Our bodies have a way of manifesting those feelings as anything from back pain to autoimmune disorders if we don’t stop stuffing them. The health of your relationships and your “God Pod” (as my pal Kris Carr would say) is at stake.

Good Enough Mother

The phrase “the good enough mother” was coined by the British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott in his famous book Playing and Reality. His theory was that the mothers who are ‘good enough,’ not ‘perfect’ are the ones whose children thrive the most. This means going from total adaptation to the child’s cues and needs to teaching the child to self-soothe by allowing them to feel an appropriate amount of frustration. Staying too long in the period of total adaptation can negatively impact the child’s cognitive ability to adapt to the real world. If you love your children and do your best, it is more than good enough.

In conclusion, when you’re not drawing boundaries, you’re denying the people in your life the opportunity to deeply know you and how can anyone authentically love you if you don’t allow them to authentically know you? You’re not just robbing yourself of that experience. You’re robbing the people you love the most as well.

If you would like to see my video on this where I go into more detail you can do so HERE. where you can also download your free guided meditation.

So, I hope that you liked this episode and found it helpful. If you did, please share it on your social media platforms and please join us on my business page, Terri Cole, LCSW or join my gals-only Real Love Revolution FB group. I look forward to seeing you there so have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Newsletter, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter.

The post How to Handle Mom Guilt appeared first on Positively Positive.

The feeling of loneliness is incredibly painful. It can be particularly difficult this time of year where there is a lot of pressure to “deck the halls” with others and curl up roasting some chestnuts with a special someone.

The last thing I want for you is to suffer by feeling alone. The biggest gift you can give to yourself is to change how you experience time alone. I realize that is easier said than done which is why my vlog this week is all about giving you ways to overcome and reframe loneliness.

I encourage you to watch the video for more details but here is a short summary if you only have time to read.

First, be very mindful of what you tell yourself when you are alone. The fact that you are alone is not why you feel lonely. The meaning you give being alone is what creates the feeling of loneliness. If you tell yourself that you are a loser or something is wrong with you or life would be so much better if you had someone there, you are going to suffer. If you choose loving and supportive thoughts while being conscious of not making not having people around mean anything negative about you, your experience will change.

It is MUCH easier to do what I suggested about when your connection cup is full. Make an effort to make plans, get out with friends, get involved in hobbies or volunteerism, or anything else that gets you around people. Invite people to things, do not sit around and wait to be invited. Be proactive about being around people so that when you are alone, it can feel like a time to recharge and reconnect to yourself.

I spend quite a bit of time alone so this is something I have really learned to put into practice for my mental and emotional health. I balance being out in the world and connected to others with spending time with myself. If my connection cup is not full, then I am way more likely to feel lonely.

Also, we experience more loneliness when we do not feel a connection to some kind of Higher Power. When our spiritual life is rich, we truly know that we are never alone. We know we are part of the Oneness and loved unconditionally by our Higher Power. If you realize your spiritual life is a bit poor, I encourage you to start a meditation practice, read some spiritual texts, listen to audios or podcasts – basically do anything to get yourself connected!

Loneliness is one of the most painful human experiences because it reinforces the illusion of separation. When we think we are on our own and feel disconnected we are more likely to feel sad, anxious, and worthless. 

As humans we NEED connection. Please do not wait for someone else to come and take the pain away. Be proactive about changing your story of being alone and filling your connection cup. @ChristinHassler (Click to Tweet!)

You are not alone!

Love,

Christine

P.S. I have a new podcast where I coach people LIVE on the air. Head over to Over it and On With It and listen in for inspiration and action steps.

Christine Hassler has broken down the complex and overwhelming experience of recovering from disappointment into a step-by-step treatment plan in her new book Expectation Hangover. This book reveals the formula for how to process disappointment on the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual levels to immediately ease suffering. Instead of wallowing in regret, self-recrimination, or anger, we can see these experiences as catalysts for profound transformation and doorways that open to possibility. You can find more info on her website, and follow her on Twitter and FB.

Image courtesy of: Jill111.

The post Tips for Loneliness appeared first on Positively Positive.

I’m very happy: I’ve discovered a new novelist whose work I love. I just finished Stephen McCauley’s new book My Ex-Life, and I plan to work my way through all his novels. It’s such a treat to discover a new writer.

One of the many things that interested me in My Ex-Life was the depiction of the main character Julie’s thoughts about smoking marijuana.

Julie is getting a divorce from Henry, renting out rooms in her house on Airbnb, and the parent of a teenager. She smokes more pot than she should.

As part of my work for Better Than Before, my book on how we make or break habits, I became very interested in the Strategy of Loophole-Spotting—how do we spot the loopholes that we invoke to let ourselves off the hook, when we want to indulge in a habit that we know we shouldn’t?

Julie is a master of loopholes. Do any of these justifications sound familiar?

“She pulled out a joint. Anxiously awaiting for Henry to berate her wasn’t doing anyone any good, and since she’d stopped smoking pot, it mattered less if she occasionally got stoned. Her slips were meaningless, parenthetical.”

“Rain was predicted for tomorrow, so why not enjoy the lovely evening in a calm frame of mind? Weather was a useful excuse for so many things in life.”

“She sat in the chair next to him…and pulled out a joint. ‘Don’t judge me,’ she said. ‘I stopped smoking a while ago, but I keep a little around to prove to myself I don’t need it.'”

The tricky thing about loopholes is that we often invoke them without even realizing it—we let ourselves off the hook so fast and with such confidence that we don’t feel the pain of breaking our word to ourselves.

By contrast, when we consciously realize that we’re invoking a loophole, we’re more able to resist.

Eventually, Julie stops smoking pot.

There are ten categories of loopholes, and most of us have a few favorites that we deploy most frequently.

I most often invoke the false-choice loophole and the one-coin loophole. How about you?

Gretchen Rubin is the author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller The Happiness Project—an account of the year she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier—and the recently released Happier at Home and Better Than Before. On her popular blog, The Happiness Project, she reports on her daily adventures in the pursuit of happiness. For more doses of happiness and other happenings, follow Gretchen on Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Wang Xi.

The post Have You Invoked Any of These Loopholes to Let Yourself Off the Hook? appeared first on Positively Positive.

A long, long time ago there was a family. This family lost their mom and wife. The children, one sister and seven brothers welcomed their stepmother. But their stepmother was jealous of their fortune and abundance and put a spell on them. The children were sent from home and the boys all turned into swans.

The girl learned from an old wise woman that the only way to free her brothers was to make shirts for them from nettle all the while keeping silent.

So she did. She wasn’t allowed to wear gloves and the nettle burned her skin. But she kept going. This was in a day where women were seen as witches when being different. And the village became suspicious of this young woman plucking nettle and making shirts out of them. She didn’t answer their questions as to why she was doing this.

After a while, the village people became scared and sentenced her to burn as a witch. In prison, she kept her shirts and nettle and kept on working.

One morning she was brought to the stake but she kept on working. All of a sudden seven swans came down from the sky and landed next to the stake. The girl was able to put the shirts on all seven of them. As she wasn’t able to finish all the shirts on time the youngest brother turned into a boy with one arm still being a wing.

At the end the children were safe.

I had this story on my mind for quite some time now. Thinking about the relevance at this time.

There’s so much symbolism in this story but for now, I want to focus on one part of this story. Namely the nettle and the girl keeping silent.

I feel the nettle is symbolic for our thoughts. They are present and stinging and hurting us but they are also a portal to becoming our true selves (again). Our thoughts are not our own and are not true for who we really are. If we can see our thoughts as such, disidentify from them and only see them as a portal to becoming our true selves, then thoughts take on a whole different meaning.

The girl suffered plucking the nettle and making shirts out of them, but she never stopped as she knew this would save her brothers.

Our thoughts are the root cause of our suffering but they can also save us. The girl knew what she needed to do as she listened to the old wise woman and she did what needed to be done.

Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again and not listen to our inner wisdom?

Our thoughts are our nettle. They sting and hurt us. But if we silently work with our thoughts we can see through the illusion. The veil will be lifted from our eyes just as the boys turned back into themselves again.

We are not our thoughts. It’s so easy to say and yet so difficult to embody. But we are not our thoughts. The hurt we feel when we believe what we think is our inner wisdom telling us we are on the wrong path.

We just have to listen. We need to become quiet and listen and do the work, meaning, discover what it is we’re thinking and work through our limiting beliefs.

This work will hurt, just as working with nettle. But not doing this work, not becoming disidentified with our thoughts, learning that we are not our thoughts, discerning our thoughts to our limiting beliefs, listening to our emotions as our guidance system, not doing all this will hurt us way more in the long run.

Do the work. Just as the girl did to save her brothers. Do the work to save yourself from conditioning and illusion and to become the best version of yourself.

Want more?

I would love it if you would become a member of the Conscious Living Community. You can do so by signing up to my email list.

Love,

Carmen

Carmen Smallegange is a coach specialized in uncovering and transforming limiting beliefs. Using her own life lessons she shines a new and fresh light on negative experiences to empower others to do the same and to acknowledge and step into their own amazing potential. You can get her free workbook on how to transform your fears or follow her on Facebook.

Image courtesy of ActionVance.

The post How Our Thoughts Are like Nettle… appeared first on Positively Positive.

For as long as I could remember, I never believed I could have it all.

I really believed that anyone who said they could have it “all,” you know, a happy husband, kids, AND a big career, was either a liar, a faker or a skipper of sleep. And, since I was never going to lie, fake it, skip sleep, or sacrifice my family’s needs, I believed I was never going to be able to have a huge, successful career AND a great home life.

And guess what? I was busy proving this theory true. How, you ask?

Well, whenever a big opportunity came up at work, suddenly, quite out of the blue, I’d start to feel guilty and overly emotional about being a bad mother. I’d get really scared that I was going to ruin my kids if I chose my career over spending the weekend with my children. I even cried to my boss one time, begging her to not send me on an important business trip because I thought my kids needed me. She even almost let me cancel the trip. And, brace yourself, God forbid, TV opportunities came my way, I’d question it and preemptive worry that I’d never be able to do a TV show and be there for my family.

Now, keep in mind, my husband was home a lot, we didn’t need a nanny and he was happy to be with the kids. As a matter of fact, he wanted me to follow my dream. And, were my kids upset that I was away sometimes? Well, I never asked myself that question. All I knew was that I believed I couldn’t have it all.

Then one day I called my coach and explained everything. I shared with her that I thought I was having a time management problem and didn’t know how to juggle career and family. My coach had a different take on it. Sure, I was busy proving my theory that I couldn’t have it all; however, there was no real evidence to back my belief. My career, after all, wasn’t ruining my children. They were happy and great.

Except, my theory was masking something else.

I was using my kids as an excuse to stay small at work. I was sabotaging opportunities in the name of my children. When I got to the root of it all, my coach helped me see that I had a big dream and I was hiding from it.

I was a chicken.

I was way more interested in proving my theory that “I can’t have it all,” than facing the truth that I was scared. Obviously, everyone gets scared sometimes, but this is the part of the pattern — my part in it — that I kept failing to see.

Staying small and being scared didn’t make me happy in my career, proud of myself or a great parent! It was actually making a mess of everything. @HGLifeCoaching (Click to Tweet!)

Here are the following steps I took to put my chicken back in its coop and to start having it all.

CREATE A VISION
I wrote an inspiring vision for my career and family life. It was about having an effortless flow between my home life, family, work and travel. I was my best in both arenas and made sure they fed each other. The more I articulated how I wanted to feel and show up, the more powerful it felt to live into this dream.

INVENT A NEW THEORY
I set out to prove a new theory: the braver I am in my career, the happier my kids and homelife will be.

It didn’t take long before I heard one of my kids say to me “I’m so proud of you” and the other, bragged to all her friends that her mom was on the cover of a magazine. My kids understood, and more importantly, felt that when I am expanding at work, I shine, radiate good vibes and show up better for them. I also found, that the more I worked on my parenting and marriage, the more confident I was with clients and collaborators.

Having kids was actually helping my career!

MAKE PROMISES
Clearly, what wasn’t working in my work-life balance, wasn’t all in my head! Some things, I actually had to change regarding how I was running my life. I needed to design promises that would help me stay present, loving and bold, if I wanted to succeed in both my career and home life.

Turns out, kids, spouses, moms, clients and co-workers, like predictability as much as they like attention. Chickens (and inner brats), not so much.

What if one of the reasons I couldn’t have it all, was because I didn’t put “all” into real time.

SO, HERE ARE SOME OF MY PROMISES:

• 6:30pm family dinner, no matter what, no screens or distractions
• If I am traveling, special evening cuddle sessions with each kid prior to travel
• One bold action per day in my career that scared me
• 10pm bedtime nightly with my husband for cuddle time (by phone when traveling)
• No being away two weekends in a row. No being out more than three nights/week
• I take kids to all doctor appointments and attend all performances

IMPOSE CONSEQUENCES
The structure of promises changed everything. But, in order to make sure that I kept my promises, I designed some self-imposed consequences for myself. For example, I pay my kids $20 if I am late to dinner. This worked wonders. Suddenly, seemingly overnight, I became very good at being on time to dinner! Funny how that works. And, If I’m late to bedtime, it’s 100 pushups the next day. At the very least, my inner brat will have strong arms!

GET ACCOUNTABLE
What also locks a new theory in place is going public with it and being accountable to all involved. In this case, my family, friends, co-workers and coach. Telling everyone my vision and my promises allowed them to support me and hold me to it when my pesky mind would tell me I should shy away from a work opportunity.

Truly, it’s amazing how much articulating my dreams, debunking my bad theories and sticking to a simple action plan changed everything. Not only could I have it all, I could quit the suffering and enjoy the kid-friendly ride.

Love,
Laurie

P.S. When it comes to making promises to ourselves, we all could use a little help along the way. If you need more inspiration, take the Current Reality Quiz! It’s a quick, easy, and fun (we swear) way to self-assess and get a better idea (or at least an honest one) on what areas of your life you need to work on.

Laurie Gerber is a Senior Coach and Co-President of Handel Group® Life Coaching. For over 15 years, Laurie has led international events and private coaching courses. She has appeared on MTV’s True Life, A&E’s The Marriage Test, Dr. Phil and TODAY.

Image courtesy of Juliette Leufke.

The post Stop Stuffing Your Schedule appeared first on Positively Positive.

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

We all know that every child deserves unconditional love from his or her parents. So the question is, when we’re disappointed in our kids, when we’re angry at them, do we withdraw our love? Most parents would say “Of course not! They know I love them. I’m just mad right now! How will they know I’m serious if I don’t get angry?”

But ask any kid, and they’ll tell you that when Mom or Dad is angry, the child fears he’s no longer loved.  If this happens often enough, the child cooperates less and less, hardens her heart to the parent, and eventually looks to the peer group instead of the parents for love. Not what any of us want for our children.

But parents are human. When kids act out, we often get angry! So how do we insure that our child still feels our unconditional love? The secret is managing our anger so we stay connected with our child while we set limits. When you think about it, that’s the only way to guide your child without punishing, because connection is what helps children WANT to cooperate.

Not easy, right? But do-able. And it gets easier with practice. Here are your three strategies to stay connected while you set limits.

1. Set limits before you lose your temper, so you can keep your sense of humor. Remember that it’s your kid’s job to test the limits. That’s nothing to get irritated about. It’s your job to lovingly hold your limit so you give your child what they need, not necessarily what they want — without making them feel like a bad person. You don’t have to be angry to set limits. In fact, your child is more likely to develop self-discipline if you set limits with a lighter touch, because he’s more likely to “own” your limit instead of rebelling against it. (That’s the “self” in self-discipline.)
2. Look for solutions rather than blame. If your first response is to figure out whose fault it is, kids will always find reasons why it wasn’t their fault. If you don’t care about fault but instead look for solutions that work for everyone, your child will become an expert in finding win-win solutions. She’ll be more likely to take responsibility, too.
3. Choose compassion and repair over revenge when something goes wrong. And yes, punishment is partly about revenge for the parent.

Instead, start by empathizing with your child about why they behaved badly. Yes, really! They had a reason. Then, once they feel understood, tell them that you understand AND that behavior is off-limits AND they’ll need to make a repair. Like this:

• Point out the cost of her actions, being careful not to shame or blame. “When you said that to your sister, it really hurt her feelings….I wonder if it made her feel not as close to you.”
• Ask your child what she can do to repair the damage. “I wonder what you could you do to make things better with your sister?
• Resist the urge to punish or force an apology. Instead, empower your child to see that she can repair her mistakes. “You know we always clean up our own messes, right, like spilled milk? This is just a different kind of mess. I know you’ll think of just the right thing to make things better with your sister….I can’t wait to see what it is.”

Just remember that while a repair is required, it’s her choice what to do. That removes the element of shame and helps her become the hero in her story, instead of the bad kid. Just as with matter-of-factly cleaning up the spilled milk, the process of cleaning up her messes will teach her that she doesn’t want to cause those hurts to begin with.

Of course, you have to be able to manage your own anger to pull this off. That’s why we so often focus on parental self-regulation in these posts.

To start, why not forgive yourself for being human and give yourself some of that unconditional love? You deserve it as much as your child does. @DrLauraMarkham (Click to Tweet!)

Dr. Laura Markham, founder of AhaParenting.com and author of The Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.

Image courtesy of Zach Lucero.

The post All You Need Is Love (And a Little Practice) appeared first on Positively Positive.

Breaking out of a toxic relationship is the best thing you can do for your soul. But is there a peaceful way to end this rough ride without the emotional trauma that it leaves behind?

Ending a relationship is not a happy ending but if you are looking to get out of a relationship then it’s better to solve this amicably with your dignity intact. This will leave a positive impact on the life ahead.

Everyone deserves to be loved and if you are not getting that from your partner then it’s better to end it here and seek it elsewhere. We have tried to help you get through this painful process by sharing our views on how to peacefully get out of a loveless relationship.

Accept your Share of blame

You may not want to listen to this but you have to share the blame when it comes to being toxic in a relationship. Whatever your responsibility was including reaching out for a consensus on mutual disagreements or communicating when things were not right, you can’t escape this fact that you were a part of this. You have an equally effective role to play and you are accountable for that role. Do some introspection and vow not to engage yourself in a toxic relationship ever again, because you are worth more.

Learn to let go

It is not easy to surrender someone that you have held near you in a long-term relationship. It is indeed a difficult thing to do but more important is the realization that your relationship with your ex was not meant to be. Even if you have to use a spouse monitoring app like Xnspy to know about his lies and cheating or bear his physical abuse, you have to sometimes force yourself to get out of that toxic “arrangement”.

In such a relationship, any blow could be unexpected but you still want them to stop hurting you. You want to understand you and change. But nothing affects them no matter how much you love that person. When nothing works against such a person, then remember he/she is not worthy of this royal treatment from you. You need to get that person out of your life. Find the strength to get yourself out of it and move on.

You merit a better life/ you merit someone better in life

Loving someone is not worth it if your partner is not reciprocating equally. This is like putting all your hard work in a dead thing that cannot be resurrected. No matter how hard you try and the tears you put it in, this relationship will never be the same again. In doing so, you are not only wasting your time on the wrong person but also preventing the right person coming your way.

How can a new person come into your life when you have already someone to fill that space?

You must realize that you had to clear that dead wood in your life for the new flowers to blossom. You had to let go of that relationship. It is highly likely that the next person in your life could be the one that trusts in love. If you are an optimist, then believe that someone much better is out there for you. You may not know who they are and where you would find them, but that someone is waiting for you to let go of that relationship so that he/she can come into your life.

Don’t wait for your partner to change

Perhaps it will be your biggest mistake to wait for a person to change who has been mistreating you for years. This is where you have to take charge of your life and decide what is best for you. Relationships heal when the guilty partners accept their mistakes and show the will to mend their behavior. They may make promises and their intentions could be genuine but the truth is that it will all be the same after a few days. Especially if the person has not fulfilled the past promises.

So you don’t have to wait for that person to change. Instead, change has to come from within. You don’t have to force it, it will rise within you and convince you that your time with this person may be over. Our clouded judgements may hold us their prisoners but regardless of what we think, some relationships are not just meant to be.

You control your happiness

After all that you have endured in this turbulent relationship, there is still life ahead. Believe that taking back control starts with you. You don’t have to go through this alone, you would need support like everyone else. There will be people out there that can help you. Seeking help from your close friends and family members can get you back on your feet. You have to overcome that situation to start a new life in which you can enjoy things that you used to love. No more worries about the future. Get that off your chest, make the hard choice, and you are one step closer to a happier tomorrow.

Andrew Carroll is a trained professional counselor who has been helping couples in dealing with their relationship issues. He is a relationship and marriage expert and has greatly helped couples in resolving their commitment and emotional problems for many years. He has vast experience and has been in the field for over a decade. He not only gives great relationship advice but is an expert in how one can remain in a healthy and loving relationship.

Image courtesy of Sweet Ice Cream Photography.

The post How to Let Go of a Toxic Relationship When You Are Still In Love appeared first on Positively Positive.

I’ve had a few people write in to ask me if I’ve stopped blogging. Nope—but I’m sorry! It sure looks that way.

I’ve just been on hiatus while writing a new book. I’ll tell you about it soon, and I very much look forward to getting back to regular posts here. (In the meantime, the daily podcast continues.)

For now, I thought I’d pop up and express something that’s been on my mind. Every now and then, I see a post offering “Advice for My Younger Self,” and I’ve been asked to share mine in interviews from time to time.

I’ve been going to therapy for more than two years now, and one of the models I’ve explored is the concept of a younger version of ourselves remaining part of us as we age. This younger self needs to be cared for, since it’s not able to do so on its own, and it can influence our adult decisions in all sorts of ways.

The question I’ve learned to ask, when working through various issues, is, “What is six-year-old Chris feeling right now?” It’s an interesting practice, at least to someone like me who doesn’t naturally think this way.

If I could go back in time to talk to a younger Chris, though, I’m not sure it would be the six-year-old version. I think it would be a version somewhere in the 11-14 age range.

And I think I would say just three things, besides “Put all your money in this thing called Bitcoin whenever it comes out.”

Those things would be:

1. It’s going to be okay.

This is hard to believe right now, but it’s true.

You’re very afraid much of the time now. You don’t like yourself and don’t see an end to what seems like impossible situations. Guess what: there will be an end to those situations. And one day you’ll be proud of getting through them. If you believe nothing else, believe this.

Hold on for one more day, just like you hear in the Wilson Phillips song that is currently playing on the radio all the time.

2. Don’t allow your rebellious spirit to be broken.

It’s there for a reason and will serve you well for decades to come. Sure, there might be times when “reining it in” is the better option. But there will be many other times when your inclination to look for alternatives, pursue a different path, or even just cause trouble will end up being the far better choice.

Therefore, when in doubt—think and act for yourself. Don’t be afraid to push against rules that don’t make sense or institutions that exist merely to enrich themselves. If anything, push harder.

3. Don’t worry about the things you aren’t good at.

You’ll never learn math, and it will be fine. You’ll never acquire many mechanical skills, and it won’t matter.

In fact, the more you try to improve at things you have no interest in but think you are supposed to be good at, the more frustrated you will become.

Striving to become unremarkably average will get you nowhere you want to go. @chrisguillebeau (Click to Tweet!)

On the other hand, what will matter is that you hold fast to what you believe in, make it through the difficult times, and find your own way.

If you focus on the gifting you have, your ability to persevere, and the “don’t ever count him out” quality that you cultivate and cherish, you’ll become much stronger. This will be your north star. Follow it whenever you get off course.

Oh, and here’s some bonus advice, for twelve-year-old Chris and anyone else out there who identifies with him: try to worry less about what other people think of you. You’ll be much more successful, effective, and happier when you don’t.

Chris Guillebeau is the New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit, The $100 Startup, and other books. During a lifetime of self-employment, he visited every country in the world (193 in total) before his 35th birthday. Every summer in Portland, Oregon he hosts the World Domination Summit, a gathering of creative, remarkable people. His new book, Born for This, will help you find the work you were meant to do. Connect with Chris on Twitter, on his blog, or at your choice of worldwide airline lounge.

Image courtesy of Annie Spratt.

The post Sometimes the Best Thing You Can Hear Is “It’s Going to Be Okay” appeared first on Positively Positive.

One time so many people were angry at me I posted my phone number on Twitter at 1 in the morning on a Saturday and said, “If someone really has a problem with me, call me!”

I was so upset. How stupid to be so upset at 1 in the morning on a Saturday.

From 1 in the morning until 5 in the morning people called me from all over the world.

Most of the time I would pick up the phone and say “Hello” and they would just say, “Uhh…I didn’t think you would answer.” And then we’d talk and they’d never really have a problem with me.

The internet makes people angry. People should meet face to face and shake hands and smile.

—

Another time I wrote an article that was about 10 things I was being honest about.

One or two of the things were about things that happened 20 years earlier.

I was 16. I had a car accident, for instance, and then my lawyer encouraged me to lie about it in court.

Someone for Reuters wrote an article saying I was a white collar criminal for perjuring in court 20 years earlier when I was a teenager.

The head of U.S. news for Reuters made up a rap song about me and put it in the comments and everyone started commenting how much they hated me.

I saw her at a conference many years later and she said what a fan she was of my writing. I shook her hand.

—

Another time I wrote an article where I was teaching my then 11-year-old daughter the importance of saying “please” and “thank you”.

It was her birthday and because of please and thank you I was able to take her to a fashion show we didn’t have an invitation to and I took her to a ping pong club even though it was closed down for the evening. Bank of America was having a party there and had rented the place.

But the bankers were all getting drunk and not playing ping pong so we said “Please” and played for an hour.

Someone wrote an article saying I was able to do this because I had “white male privilege.” Maybe she was right.

She wrote that everyone should pretend I wrote the words “….because I’m white” at the end of each sentence. She wrote that people should hate me.

A lot of people wrote me angry letters. I got several death threats and a lot of threats of violence.

The girl who wrote the article about me got 500,000 views for her article and then never wrote again.

—

I don’t want my 19-year-old daughter to go to war and kill other 19-year-olds.

So I wrote an article against war. I titled it “Name me a Single War that was Justified.”

I’m not a historian. I don’t really know anything about wars.

But I don’t want my daughters to go to a war. I would go to war in their place if there was a war and that was allowed.

I put the article on a yoga website, figuring that everyone there would be peace-oriented and agree with me. I honestly don’t like to be contrarian. I want people to like me.

I got hundreds of comments threatening me that I wasn’t a patriot and that they would do horrible things to me if they ever ran into me “in a bar”.

The United States has been around 200 years out of the 200,000 years that humans have been around.

I’m not even sure humans are so great, let alone the United States (look at U.S. history as an example of slavery, mass violence, cruelty, inequality, etc. Although I’m grateful I live here and not somewhere far worse).

I lost friends over this article. One of my best friends said, “I can never speak to you again.”

People said to me, “Then he wasn’t your friend to begin with.”

But he was. I swear it.

—

I had an opinion about cryptocurrencies. I thought 99% of them were scams and said so on TV. (Which makes it true!)

Then I hired people and created a course about cryptocurrencies for free. It cost me a lot of money.

Then I started a newsletter about cryptocurrencies to get people out of the scams and explain my beliefs why they will be great in the future.

We live in an attention-glutted economy.

If I had just made ads saying, “I’m a nice guy, here’s my course”, nobody would’ve responded.

So I used the tactics of advertising and marketing and because people knew my product would be good, the ads worked. It became one of the biggest internet campaigns ever.

Over three billion impressions of my ads were seen. This is because my product had value so we kept advertising it.

Many people wrote articles distorting my words.

One person asked me, “Were you manipulating the price of Amazon’s stock?”

I said to her, “Can you just repeat to me, ‘it is ridiculous for any one person to manipulate Amazon’s stock price’?”

I was silent until she repeated it. Then she wrote in her article that I was manipulating Amazon’s stock price.

I experienced many articles like this.

And I also lost friends. People I really looked up to and trusted. Other people who I had once hired. Even relatives.

Were they rational? I don’t know. But I was sad. And then one Saturday at 1 in the morning I got fed up and posted my phone number.

—

You would think the lesson is: don’t care so much about what people think!

Or… don’t dwell so much on what people think.

I guess over time I no longer care much about the older experiences. There’s been more like this.

Like the time I posted against college (I lost friends). Or the time I posted against owning a home. Or the time I posted the Presidency was useless. Or the time I posted about my own experiences of failure (my mother was very upset at me). Or the time I was optimistic about the future.

Somehow I polarize people. Some people like what I have to say and others angrily hate me.

I don’t advertise the good things I try to do because that’s boring. I tend to write only about the ugly things because that’s closer to reality.

But the lesson is not: don’t care what people think.

I care what people think. I mostly want people to like me. I want people to think I’m smart and someone they would want to be friends with.

I can say this: most people like what I write. I’ve sold millions of copies of books. And I get many nice letters (handwritten letters) and emails.

I’m really grateful for that.

I get sad when people hate me. I can’t help it. It’s stupid. Everyone says, “Ignore them.”

I try to. I bought a book, The Courage to be Disliked. I haven’t started reading it but my friends say it’s good.

But here’s the real lesson that’s made my life better:

Have a vision that’s unique and then repeat it over and over.

To have a unique vision you need to read a lot and think a lot and write a lot and study and talk to people who are smarter than you.

Then take what you’ve learned, make it uniquely yours, and say it out loud. As loud as you can if you believe it.

Say it so loud you get out of your comfort zone. The comfort zone is an echo chamber. Out of your comfort zone is the miracle.

You say your vision not because you want to educate people but because it takes you to the place that is least crowded.

Success is at the place that is least crowded.

Friends, readers, opportunity, is at the place that is least crowded.

And back there in the comfort zone you left behind are the haters (and people who want to get out of their own comfort zones but aren’t sure how. Or feel they need permission).

So the tip is: always go to the place that is least crowded.

You have permission.

Then you become a threat. When you become a threat, you become a target.

But this is where you find everything you were looking for.

James Altucher is the author of the bestselling book Choose Yourself, editor at The Altucher Report and host of the popular podcast, The James Altucher Show, which takes you beyond business and entrepreneurship by exploring what it means to be human and achieve well-being in a world that is increasingly complicated. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

Image courtesy of Becca Tarter.

The post The One Rule I Live My Life By appeared first on Positively Positive.

Secrets kill relationships. I’m not just talking about intimate relationships between married couples and partners; I’m talking about all relationships.

The hyperconnectivity and mass exposure of our current world has ironically left us isolated from each other and often unable to maintain real, authentic connections. And the secrets we carry about who we are and who we want people to think we are lie at the root of the problem. But the truth is this: we are all lying, hiding and keeping secrets from everyone in our lives, thinking it’s what we’re meant to do. We are accustomed to believe that if we tell people what we really think, we may hurt their feelings or get into trouble.

We keep our real thoughts secret and ultimately hide our true selves from the people we care about most.

Some people are offended when I call them secret-keepers (liars, essentially) and I have to assure them it’s a universal problem. Other people claim a right to their secrets under the guise of privacy; it’s my life, my thoughts, my feelings – I should be able to choose who I share them with, right?”

Wrong, and I’ll explain why.

SECRETS CREATE REALITY.

The act of making a secret and hiding it is what makes it real. If you have to hide information, it gives it a level of importance and priority. You hide it because you want it to go away, which causes the opposite results. Your secret becomes an underlying cause of discord in your relationships, gnaws away at your happiness, and keeps you stuck in a “purgatory” that you don’t even know you’re in.

SECRETS HIDE THE REAL YOU.

Somewhere along the way it became okay for people to be secret keepers – admirable even! “She’s hard to read” or “he plays his cards close” essentially means “unwilling or unable to be forthright.” People who hold onto their secrets sometimes treat them like an armor that is supposed to protect their true selves, but what they are really saying is “I don’t like myself enough to show anybody.” If you do this for long enough and keep insulating yourself with secrets, you lose touch with the self that you have hidden away!

In essence, you become your secrets.

SECRETS MANIFEST PROBLEMS ELSEWHERE.

There are big secrets and little secrets. Many people can grasp how keeping a big secret, like cheating on a spouse, is significant and would impact a person. What about the little secrets, the ones we create when we don’t speak our true minds, or when we lie to make someone feel better? I had a client once who couldn’t bring himself to tell his partner that she had gained weight, even though she repeatedly asked him how she looked and expressed unhappiness about it herself. As the cycle continued, he became less attracted to her and guilty about how “shallow” he was about her weight, which only made him obsess over it more. It even got to a point where he could no longer become physically aroused by her; he thought he was having erectile issues, but they were really secret issues.

SECRETS ISOLATE YOU FROM THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.

Building a relationship on a foundation of secrecy and lies is like building a house on sand, where structural problems will always take you down. You cannot sustain deep connections with people who only get to see the “you” that is carefully edited to withhold the parts of you that you don’t wish to reveal. When you don’t say what you really think, people can’t know who you really are. Therefore, you’ll never feel loved for who you really are.

WHAT TO DO?

Though we spend a great deal of time fostering secrets, we can easily identify people whose personalities and actions exemplify their truest self.

Authenticity is a rare and valuable asset to have. Like attracts like, and being authentic attracts the right kind of people to you. @LaurenZander (Click to Tweet!)

It frees you from making fear-based decisions and judgments, and connects you to your dreams.

So much more is possible when you aren’t juggling a soul-ful of secrets.

However! Letting go of your secrets doesn’t mean you can just go blurting every unpleasant thing out to everyone you know! There’s a real art to having tough conversations, and confessing requires a great deal of finesse. There are formulas you can use to practice having this go well, and steps you can take in the future to foster more authentic connections with the people around you.

Ready to start truth-telling?

If you need more inspiration, take the Current Reality Quiz! It’s a quick, easy, and fun (we swear) way to self-assess and get a better idea (or at least an honest one) on what areas of your life you need to work on.

Love,
Lauren

Lauren Handel Zander is the Co-Founder and Chairwoman of Handel Group^®, an international corporate consulting and life coaching company. Her coaching methodology, The Handel Method®, is taught in over 35 universities and institutes of learning around the world, including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School System. Lauren is also the author of Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap, Face Your Fears, Love Your Life (Published by Hachette Book Group, April 2017), a no-nonsense, practical manual that helps readers figure out not just what they want out of life, but how to actually get there. She has spent over 20 years coaching thousands of private and corporate clients, including executives at Vogue, BASF, and AOL. Lauren has been a featured expert in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, Women’s Health, Dr. Oz, and Marie Claire and she is a regular contributor to Businessweek and the Huffington Post. Click here to schedule a 30-minute consultation with Handel Group.

Image courtesy of Alex Holyoake.

The post Secrets Kill Relationships appeared first on Positively Positive.

I was on the phone with a friend who was in the middle of a healing crisis. She was suffering and tired, and so very tired of the suffering.

I pulled out the strongest medicine I had in my love tote and said:
This will be a distant memory someday.
You will actually be better than ever.

Imagine that.

Imagine that the unbearable bind will not only loosen its grip, but that you’ll fly—higher than ever.
Imagine that the heaviest pain will be alchemized into a light that makes you pure radiance.
Imagine from the pit of loneliness that you will know a union that puts your life on an axis of love.

A healer gave me this same medicine when I was crawling back to health: You’ll forget it was this bad. I had to stretch to believe her, but I imagined the future that I most deeply and wildly desired. I dared myself to go beyond the baseline of “well” and “recovered” and into the quantum field of truly better than ever.

The imaginal is where realities begin to form. Drop your very brightest vision to that space and walk toward it one faithful step—or quantum leap, at a time. @DanielleLaPorte (Click to Tweet!)

Better than ever,

Danielle LaPorte is an invited member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100, a group who, in Oprah Winfrey’s words, “is uniquely connecting the world together with a spiritual energy that matters.” She is author of White Hot Truth: Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path—from one seeker to another. The Fire Starter Sessions, and The Desire Map: A Guide To Creating Goals With Soul—the book that has been translated into 8 languages, evolved into a yearly day planner system, a top 10 iTunes app, and an international workshop program with licensed facilitators in 15 countries.

Named one of the “Top 100 Websites for Women” by Forbes, millions of visitors go to DanielleLaPorte.com every month for her daily #Truthbombs and what’s been called “the best place online for kickass spirituality.” A speaker, a poet, a painter, and a former business strategist and Washington-DC think tank exec, Entrepreneur Magazine calls Danielle, “equal parts poet and entrepreneurial badass…edgy, contrarian…loving and inspired.” Her charities of choice are Eve Ensler’s VDay: a global movement to end violence against women and girls, and charity: water, setting out to bring safe drinking water to everyone in the world. She lives in Vancouver, BC with her favourite philosopher, her son. You can find her @daniellelaporte and just about everywhere on social media.

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